also!

I mean, no. I mean, ridiculous.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_personality_disorder

I mean, hmmm. I mean, probably not.

I mean, today's society has got us all so paranoid that there's something wrong with us.

moo

moving = stressful. I am a ridiculous pack rat and have a hard time letting go of anything. Thankfully, friends and other significants have agreed to adopt some of my most cherished possessions. I'm waiting on a call from the Hebron Thrift Store driver to see if someone can come get my furniture tomorrow or Wednesday morning. Walk through with landlord Thur at 9. Need to replace blinds. Need to get rid of more shit. Need to move everything else. STRESS STRESS STRESS! I have tomorrow off though, hooray.

Dan's birthday was a week of fun, friendship, and way too many delicious but awful for my body snacks. The goal for this week: get back on the under 4000 calories a day wagon! We had a cookout for his birthday with all sorts of delicious hot dogs and burgers and fruit salad and I made red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting... mmm... it was good to bake again. Saturday we saw BASEBALL in Asheville and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I had a FUCKING BLAST (partly because of the game, partly because I got a big beer and stadium hotdog, mmmm....).

Waiting to hear from EPIK, still no word. Emailing inquiry tomorrow if nothing by then.

Happy almost June. Christ, this year is flying by.

I hate when I do things that I don't realize are stupid but then they turn out to be really stupid.

I feel like there is something inside of me that is trying to claw its way out through my stomach, and if I could only let it escape I would finally be at peace. I feel bugs under my skin and ticking across my brain. I don't think anyone can ever really love anyone else or be loved, I think the idea of community is illusion and I think I will never be happy or even just content. I'm tired and stupid and sick and ashamed of myself and very much alone.

unpacked

I gotta move out of my apartment in like two weeks and I haven't even started packing or anything. Mainly because I'm lazy plus I am going to have to give like everything I own away, which is hard for me because EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT, Y'ALL. I'm thinking of just dragging the furniture out onto the hill with a sign that says FREE and hoping someone will show up and haul it off.

Three months and it's bye-bye Boonetown. I am having a hard time accepting this even though my job sucks and I don't have any really close friends here anymore and even if I stayed doesn't mean Dan and I would still be together anyway though breaking up, which I'm assuming we will inevitably do before I leave, depending on where I go or what happens, sucks major fucking balls.

All in all, I am depressed and lonely and so very very very very lost. And confused. And bored, and stifled, and sick, and blah blah blah. Whiney! Did I mention whiney?

Mom is coming up memorial day weekend to take some of my books which I do not want to give away, precious children of mine they are, and maybe some other stuff. Does anyone need furniture? I have a tiny desk, a kitchen table, a round end table, a tv stand with a little shelf in it, a full size dresser, and a futon. Everything is free though the futon is in really nice shape and $20 would be sweet for it. But mostly I just need these things out of my life (uh, but not the futon until after the 16th). So yeah. Free shit but you have to get it yourself.

I NEED TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND LET GO, Y'ALL.

Sent my Korea application in yesterday. If no go, then what comes August? Movin' in with one of the rents until I can afford to go somewhere badass I guess.

Life is poop.

And you watched as your brains fell out through your teeth.
Push the pieces in place.
Make your smile sweet to see.
Don't you take this away.
I'm still wanting my face on your cheek.

Right now I should be getting dressed and going to work, which seems like an insurmountable task, because all I want to do is set myself on fire and go spiralling into the sky like a pent-up firework on the 4th of July.