nm

I had a nightmare last night. It was either the repeat of a nightmare I've had before, greatly expanded, or it just felt like deja vu in my dream. Anyway, at the end of it, I was about to confront the person upon whom the nightmare was based around. I heard her making noises about the other end of the abandoned building in the sea where we were searching for her. I was outside on some sort of fire escape/balcony/whatever on the side of the house, while my compatriots were further inside in an unlit room that looked like it belonged to a little girl. I tried throwing lightbulbs down at the girl we were looking forward, but whenever I threw them they weren't making the noise of breaking glass. I then tried to scream at her, or at my company, but I couldn't get anything out. I tried harder and harder until I woke up making this godawful whistling noise in the back of my throat.

blerg!

I am sick! I am blaming stress for causing my immune system to get strained, therefore leaving me open as the prey for all sorts of nasty viruses. Yesterday I felt like shiiiiiit, but everything with the website at work decided to break so luckily I just got to sit in my little computer corner for pretty much my entire shift yesterday.

Bagels today. I feel significantly better, though I still feel weird when I swallow. I got ten hours of sleep last night, woooo! Surprisingly enough, it was probably the best 10 hours of sick sleep I've ever gotten. Fancy that.

Today is Tuesday, which means... well, nothing really.

ughughugh

I need to get my fucking life together. The apartment's a mess and I can't find any of my goddamn coffee cups. My eyes are sooooo swollen. It's a beautiful day and I'm going to be inside making bagels for minimum wage.

I need to get the fuck out of this town. Even if just for a little while. However, I'm in the Boone Squeeze - I want to go, but I'm too poor to.

And there's, you know, that whole boy situation. Man? Moy. That whole Moy situation.

Blah blah blah fucking blah. I need to get dressed.

aside

I do have to say though, thank god for Dan because otherwise I probably would have either abandoned this whole damn town or hung myself by now.

It's a long, long winter y'all.

this girl

who has two thumbs and absolutely no way to pay her landlord on march 1st?

things

things that have been on my mind lately/often/always:

1. I don't think I know how to love, rather I set up and allow myself to be consumed.

2. I am plagued by the constant fear that TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

(a) This makes me feel pressured to spend every second of my life accomplishing SOMETHING, to the point that going to sleep becomes difficult.

(b) I think this is created by an intense fear of death, of which I cannot accept as inevitable.

(c) Related to a fear of being alone and unloved.

(d) I'm afraid all of this is also tied to some sort of unconscious desire to fix all of the mistakes my family has made in the past and somehow 'fix' my childhood by perfecting my future, as soon as possible.

3. I am terrified of failure and therefore despite #2 I find myself impotent to action.

snowblue

snow = FOUR shifts canceled in the last two weeks. not good, y'all. not good.

sofer

1. So far I've worked three full days at my new job, and I really like it. No one yells at me, even when I crash the entire website (but it was totally fixed within two hours, y'all. totally.). The lovely French lady who works there has something nice to say about me/what I'm wearing pretty much every day ("That's such a good color on you!" "You just have a cute little figure," etc.) and the manager and owner think I am an INTERNET/COMPUTER GURU because I can (a) edit pictures in photoshop, (b) set up a wireless network and (c) update the website (you know, when I'm not busy blowing it up). I am also learning about the intricacies of status and markup, via seeing the at-cost price of items as compared to the retail price.

2. Still making bagels a few times a week until my new job goes full time. I don't mind, but I will be glad when I no longer have to pry burnt seeds out of the toaster. But I can use the extra moneymoneymoney.

3. Schlumped through the snow for super fun times at the Nth on Friday. Consumed copious amounts of wine while (accidently) ditching the dan (he didn't mind though). Friends, hoorah! Art, hoorah! Snacks, hoorah!

4. me+dan=adorable. seriously. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. throatbarfs.

... and my only complaint in my life right now: wtf is up with this gotdamn snow y'all? SRSLY!

twirly

stupid happy