Korea

So! I am in South Korea and have been here for a few days now!

Traveling, including layovers and driving to/from the airport, took a total of 28 hours. I managed to sleep about 3 of those. Needless to say, jet lag has been a problem. I was definitely doing the whole "oh my god what am I doing here all these people stuck I shouldn't be here" thing for the first two days or so, but now that I've gotten a little more sleep I'm feeling a bit more generous.

They've been running us 24/7 since we arrived. For example, today's schedule: 7:30 breakfast, 9:00 lecture, 10:30 lecture, 12:30 lunch, 2:00 lecture, 3:30 lecture, 5:30 dinner, 7:00 Korean lessons. There's a period of about a half hour to forty minutes after each mean (besides breakfast, usually) to just hang out, which gives me a little bit of time to go and check my email, blah blah blah. I've been getting up at 6:30 every day and that gives me about a half hour to skype with Dan in the mornings. I miss him so much already and I know it will only get worse as the time here progresses.

Lectures have all been about Korea and Classroom Skills. It's getting to the point where I kind of feel like they just keep reiterating the same things over and over again, and they're focusing more on younger learners and not too much on high school teaching skills. I won't find out who I'm teaching until Wednesday, which also complicates how useful the lectures will be because I don't know what I should really be taking away and what won't apply to me.

I've made a couple of "friends" here. Definitely not BFFs but there are a few people who I could see myself hanging out with while I'm here. Just not the sort of people I think I would hang out with back home, so perhaps this will help me "grow." Or just realize I already have the best bunch of friends I could ever ask for and perhaps I shouldn't abandon them all to see the world, ha ha ha. I kid. Sort of.

Yesterday we had a field trip to see a Korean temple and a folk village. The temple was pretty cool, but like when visiting most religious places I always find myself noting the beauty, but also being distracted by the complete lack of connection I feel with anything involving religion. Sort of like when you drop a penny into a well and wait for a splash that never actually comes. Hmm. It was pretty though; I think the east wins out in the religious building arena. Western cultures may have done some amazing things with stone, but nothing beats the barrage of color which the temples here display. The folk village felt more like being at the South Korea of Epcot, which was to be expected. Sort of like when you go to Busch Gardens and go the the "Germany" there and go "Oh, look! Beer! Lederhosen! Truly this is authentic!" Um, no. But there was a neat dancing production and I got to glue paper to a Korean fan and make a picture. Hmmm.

I've only spent about $10 since I've been here, but I've also only gone out once. They've been feeding us about 10,000 pounds of food a day, so much you can't possibly consume it all. For example, today at lunch I had: two seaweed wrapped rice balls, udon noodle soup, watermelon, a tiny bit of kimchi, and fried vegetables. The problem with having the noodle bowls is they are so big they could be a meal themselves, but oftentimes it's not something I want as a whole meal given the other choices. However, I also end up hungry for the next meal. I think it's because we're getting a lot of vegetables and not a lot of complex sugars, starches, etc. I have to say, though, I am dreaming of tall frosty glasses of milk and macaroni and cheese. They have cafeteria carton milk at breakfast, but it's just not the same.

Anyway, things are going OK so far. On the one hand, I'm really anxious for orientation to be over so I can move into my new home for the next year. On the other, I'm terrified about leaving the womb of understanding and camaraderie which exists here. Of course, I came here to "grow" and "experience" or whatever, so I will have to MAN UP and JUST DO IT, blah blah blah.

I miss Dan like crazy. Like, crazy crazy. Like, I always feel like I'm forgetting something when really it's just the feeling of him being around that I don't have. Like, things would be 10times funner if he were here and I wish he could experience some of the things I get to. Hmmph. It's too early to start the countdown.

ch ch changes (you know, soon)

T-minus three days 'til takeoff. In 72 hours I will be just arriving in Chicago O'Hare for a two and a half hour layover, and then hopping on a fourteen and a half hour flight to Seoul. From Seoul, I will get on a bus and travel about 2 1/2 to 3 hours to Jeonju University, my orientation venue. After 10 days, I will hop on another bus for a couple hours to reach Gyeongbuk. The day before that bus ride I will have found out the location of my position. So, it'll still be a little over two weeks before I'm actually settled into "My New Home," or whatever.

I've spent a LOT of time in the last week crying. I wasn't naive to think that this would be easy, and I knew I would cry a little bit when I left Dan, but christ. I left Boone on Tuesday, around noon-ish, after a morning of delays and hugs and 'oh-god-I-can't-do-this.' He seemed fine until I actually starting picking up my bags to put in the car. He kissed me through the car window and my last memory of Boone is him standing there in the driveway, half waving and looking as if someone had died as I bawl and drive away.

Ugh. I feel like a Twinkie someone's sucked all the cream filling out of. That is, hollow and spongey and all kinds of gross. I miss him so much already.

This is nothing though. I'm at my mom's house, my brother is coming up today, and everything is still easy and familiar and there's a kitty I can play with and all the snacks I can eat. We're having my birthday dinner today -- twice baked potatoes, shake and bake pork chops, and grasshopper pie (whipped cream + creme de menthe + melted mini marshmallows + butter oh gooooodddddd). So I can't imagine how much I'll miss him this winter.

But I'm trying to stay optimistic! I'm going to a whole new country, nay, a whole new CONTINENT! I have friends in Japan who I think will let me visit! Not to mention all those other places in Korea and nearby countries -- the Phillipines, Vietnam, China, Taiwan! I want to make the most of Asia while I'm over there and while I have the income. I've got hoop dreams! I've got wanderlust!

To be precise, I've got wanderlust coupled with homebody-ness. I think the first is a natural inclination or sparked by reading too many "adventure/quest" books as a child (Tamora Pierce, anyone?), and the other is the separation and abandonment anxiety which resulted from my tumultuous upbringing.

Also! Dad was going to visit the first week of August. I haven't seen this man in five years, since I graduated high school, and he didn't attend my App graduation. I told him not to visit, because I was going to be in Boone, had to get my Visa done, etc. He was going to come anyway -- he was going to drive down to Tennessee (the not-close-to-Boone side), spend a night there and drop off his wife with her dad, drive over to Boone and spend an evening with me, drive out to Hubert the next morning to try and hang out with Steve after Steve got off work (you know, the night before he went to court, because he's not stressed enough about that), drive back through Boone and I guess see me one more time, and then drive back to Tennessee and then to Michigan. So, 934838974 hours of driving in a week for approximately 8 hours of visiting time? Ridiculous. He was supposed to arrive last Monday, and I called last Friday, couldn't get a hold of him, so left him a message on his machine basically telling him AGAIN not to come.

I never got a call back. He never showed up Monday, and he didn't send me a card or call me on my birthday. I think he's pouting. I'm pretty fed up with this bullshit. I'm sorry if he's in some sort of midlife crisis or something because he just married off his oldest stepdaughter and then must have went "Oh shit! I have kids too!" and now is trying to "play daddy" after twenty years of ignoring me, but I have other priorities -- you know, like spending my last moments in country with people I love and who CHOOSE to be a part of my life.

So yeah. Shout out to all my friends, Boone and Jacksonvillian, and my mom and brother, for being a good family. Love you all.

Packing needs to commence. I have a load of laundry in the dryer that is waiting to be folded. All this rambling has made my coffee grow cold. Boone, I'll miss you, but I really need to figure some shit out. You know, and pay off my credit card debt. I love you all!

And Dan, I love you. I miss you so much my stomach hurts.

take backs?

gyeongbuk palace
Originally uploaded by shboom

This is the part where I feel really fucking stupid about the rant I did in my last post. Uh, sorry. Yeah.

This is also the part where I say that I fly into Seoul on August 18th and will officially be a teacher in the province of Gyeongbuk for year. The average temperature is around 60 degrees, there are six national parks, and it looks like this:

one more time

And another day has passed with not even the whisper of a contact from Korea. I sent another email yesterday that was very similar to the first and essentially said "Uh... ya know.... the program's starting in a coupla weeks... just wonderin' if I have a job..." No reply, of course. Of course.

My stress has got me moving in waves. I gravitate between letting it all wash around me like the waves in some overbearing ocean over which I have no control (very zen-like, I assure you) to all out stress and panic. I am going to be unemployed... again. I am going to be homeless.

I am going to be fucking stuck in North Carolina for the rest of my goddamn life.

So, I guess if this is the big fat fucking failure it is turning out to be, this might be the following course of action:

* Still go back to Boone in a couple of days

* Still go visit mom for a couple of days

* Babysit the house in Jacksonville for two weeks while my stepdad's girlfriend is in Albuquerque with him helping work on this new house. Apply for jobs, etc.

* Move back in with my mom and remain a failure for the rest of my life.

I can't begin to describe the way I feel. Hurt, angry, confused, letdown. Angry, maybe. Take the right classes, get the grades, do every fucking extracurricular in addition to getting a job so you can get into the right college, who will accept you and then not give you any financial aid to cover $40k/year tuition. Go to an affordable in-state school that no one's ever heard of until they start winning fucking football championships, take 18 goddamn credits a semester to graduate on time, write the essays, get the grades, have a job the entire time, turn down parties, trips, every fun thing in your fucking life to graduate with fucking HONORS so that when you graduate, you can work shitty jobs barely above minimum wage and be treated like a fucking dog.

A lot of people say a lot of shitty things about my generation. Well, here's how I think about it:

We've all been raised with the ingrained belief that if we work hard enough, or "do the right thing," then our efforts will pay off. Instead, we've been thrust into a society full of cheats, liars, financial bailouts for major corporations while the government shits on individuals, presidents who dare to pander to our youth and optimism in order to grab a vote for promises they fail (and not reluctantly) to uphold. We've been referred to as the "lollipop generation" -- demanding things and expecting to give nothing in return. And what are we guilty of demanding? Pay that will allow us to fucking VISIT THE GODDAMN DOCTOR and a job that doesn't involve slowly losing our soul over the course of a lifetime. My generation is full of intelligent, highly symp/empathetic, creative people who are constantly met with refusal. We have both the tools and the desire to do things, beautiful things, yet our society refuses to acknowledge that we are useful or even necessary, past being a source of cheap labor for the privileged.

Do I even know what the fuck I am talking about? Is it possible to know? I don't know.

I am very frustrated right now.

more stress!

Korea has had my documents for about a week and a half, according to the USPS web tracking, and I still have yet to hear anything from the program. Sunday night (monday morning there) I sent an email inquiring as to whether or not the coordinator physically received my documents (because I know they were delivered to the building, if not directly to her). No reply. I am hoping she's just waiting to say something because I am getting placed, and she doesn't want to have to send two emails; however, I have been reading things on facebook and message boards and such about other people who say they have been wait-listed. One recruitment site said that just because they offer you a job doesn't necessarily mean you get one; so, theoretically, until I have a contract in my hands, there's no real way of knowing if I am actually going to get placed.

I REALLY WISH THEY WOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT ON THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE.

So now, because of Mr. I Don't Know How to Correctly Notarize Documents, I could be wait-listed or, even worse, not get a position at all.

In which case, I will have no job, and as of August 15th no place to live.

Grrrrreeeeeaaaaaatttt.

In which case, I guess since they have all my documents I will request that they place me for their March 2011 school start. And then I will have to figure out what to do for the next seven to eight months. My stepdad is moving to Albuquerque, and my mom's boyfriend's daughter is moving into their house, so I can't really crash with the rents to save money or anything. So I guess it is find a place here until February, or...

Well, I just don't really know right now.

My intent is not to dwell too much on it, since I literally am powerless at this point (ball is in your court, Korea). But I think perhaps I need to start making some backup plans.

Yeah.

ugh

Last night I dreamed I was in a house that got sucked up inside a giant tornado. I looked out the window and saw the entire world swirling around me while I stood inside, powerless.

I is so terrified, so excite!

Right now I am at my mom's new house in Wilson, which I like better than her old apartment because we have more spaaaccceee and are not all on top of one another. Right now she is at work but she is taking a half day so we can get lunch (probably chicken mcnuggets, mmmm) and then hang out just the two of us. Maybe go look for plug adapters at Wally World, though my laptop should be good up to 240 volts, so I won't need a transformer. Thanks, MacBook!

Le Schedule Tentatif:

Back in town the morning of Monday, July 12th. I think I work Tues - Sat. Then I work four or five days the week after that. Then!!!

Saturday, July 24th - last day of work!

Sunday or Monday the 25th or 26th - drive out to Jacksonville. See old friends, stepdad, etc.

Thursday, July 29th - drive back to Boone

Friday, July 30th - FIREWORKS NIGHT at the ASHEVILLE TOURISTS! My final American baseball game! *sniffsniff*

August 1st - 8th - See/do everything I want to in Boone before I leave. This will include much time with my Dan.

tentatively Sunday, August 8th - Summer's 23rd birthday Party Pajamma Jammy Jam. Interpretation: staying up all night with (hopefully) Dan, Travis, Christian, Caitlin, maybe Comfy Time Carroll, watching scary movies (Poltergeist, Alien, etc.) and eating junk food like Pizza Muffins and Cupcakes. A GOOD TIME.

August 10th - Say goodbye to Boone. Weep. Weep weep weep. Feel as though my heart is getting shoved through a thresher but know that I cannot grow as a person unless I find new challenges for myself. Drive to mom's in Wilson.

August 14th - fly out of Raleigh

August 15th - fly into Seoul, therefore beginning the next chapter in my life of which I am deeply terrified yet also stupidly excited.

Somewhere in there I get my contract and need to get my visa. Have the passport though.

I am a big ball of emotion right now, so if you see me and I suddenly stop talking or start crying that is why, though I am keeping that in check for right now. I keep rationalizing this move and even though I am so ridiculously excited the thought of leaving Boone, where granted I have not been as long as other people but in my moved-around military brat life 5 years is substantial, especially considering this is the place where I've really started forming my adult identity, still makes me sad.

Wrapped up in all of this two is relationship woes. Dan and I aren't really going to "be" anything while I'm away. We're both just "seeing how it goes" I suppose. I'll be gone longer than we've even been together (7 months since our first kiss on Sunday. Yes, I know this. Yes, cheeseball). I'm crazy about him and I don't want to admit to myself that things can't work out with him. But I think I also don't want to admit to myself that this experience will undoubtedly impart huge changes upon me, and I might not even want to come back to Boone at the end of the year. But, if I stay, would we really stay together?

I hate that we're both realists. I tease him all the time. "If you like it then you should put a ring on it." But we both know that's not gonna happen. I want to shake him and be like "OH MY GOD CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE A CHANCE AND SAY YOU LOVE ME AND CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME?" but at the same time is it healthy for me to put aside all the cool things I could do to have him, yes, but not have a good job or a real place to live or my own life really? I'm not sure I've mastered the art of saving myself while in a relationship. And it's not really fair to him. He's 15 years ahead of me in this game, and if I'm not ready to settle down yet how is it right for me to tell him he has to wait even longer?

I don't know a lot of things.

In essence, everything about my life right now is bittersweet. I can't even conceive of what Korea will be like nor that it will be my home for the next year. I don't think it will hit me until I land.

stuck in the system

I am officially two weeks behind in my paperwork. The notary who notarized my documents did them incorrectly, so I got a letter back from the apostillation office telling me that I needed to get them redone by THE SAME NOTARY. So I've been at the damn Boone Mailing Center about 3 times in the last week, and I finally tracked down the man this morning. He's the type of short, middle-aged man who obviously has self-image issues and needs to talk angrily to little girls in order to feel big. ANYWAY. So I went this morning, hopefully we got it done right this time, dropped $20 to have it to Raleigh by noon tomorrow. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I get it back by Friday or Monday. It is the LAST thing I need before I can send everything to Korea. I'm afraid I'll be the last person to get my paperwork in and I will be stuck on the island of Jeju.

Of course, it doesn't snow there and they have oranges all year round, so it wouldn't be too bad. But it would be harder to visit people probably.

As soon as I get my contract from EPIK I can start the VISA process, which thankfully should only take about a week or two, unless I need to go down to the embassy and interview. Which would be intimidating, but I could do it. I'd have to drive to Atlanta though.

Told work. They seemed perturbed that I am leaving, but supportive because of the opportunity, etc. July 24th is my last day, which will give me three weeks in country before I fly out. I plan on spending as much of that time with Dan (and, you know, my family) as possible. I was able to see Matt and Kristi last weekend, which was awesome, and I hope to see other friends before I leave as well, but I don't know if it will work out.

The only thing throwing a wrench in the works is a possible visit from my dad in the first week of August. He called yesterday and said he might be able to afford a train ticket down to see me and my brother from the 2nd to the 8th. I kinda wanted to be like "Uh... look, you've had 5 years to see me, I want to spend that week with my boyfriend whom I love and won't get to see for a heart-wrenching, soul-crushing year," but at the same time that seems kind of shitty. I honestly don't know what we would even do or talk about for a whole week. Bleh. Need to talk to my brother on that one.

So yeah. Complications.

Besides occasional patches of me being grumpy and stressed out, Dan and I are getting along marvelously. We went camping last week out by Table Rock, hiked up to the Chimneys and Hawksbill, etc. I had a blast, and I think he did too. We made hobo dinners and saw the most terrifying spider ever. Made lots of jokes, got really sweaty (it was like, what, 90? fucking hot), went to Upper Creek Falls the next morning. Good times. Pictures to follow shortly. Last night we went downtown to help Travis paint the new spot for 641. It was nice to do manual labor for a friend. Does that sound weird? Anyway, I love my old man. For real.

So yeah. Guess I should probably stop goofing off and get back to work. Updates again soon!

paper wahk

So since I've heard from Korea, I've pretty much lost all motivation for working at the real job which I currently have. I'm not very proud of this, however I can only take so much being talked to like a dog/being forcibly grabbed by strangers/being asked if I am in high school/having to watch old ladies change because they don't believe in dressing rooms apparently without going completely fucking bonkers. I'm trying to concentrate on the webwork so I have an excuse just to sit at my computer and not talk to anyone. But I'm doing lots of freight too, which no one except Liz and I want to do so that's ok I guess.

I am waiting to receive my apostilled diploma and background check from Raleigh and then I can send all that stuff to Ko-Rea! I am a little excited, but mainly nervous and apprehensive and tired and full of sad, icky emotions involving Dan my man. Urrrggg. Pretty much I'm just feeling really vulnerable and stupid and my brain is all like "WTF are you talking about, do you know how much money you will make/save while you are over there?" and my heart is all like "whatever" and my brain then goes "OH MAH GAWD you've always wanted to travel and just think of all the new snacks you will get to try!" and my heart is like "don't care" and then my brain is all like "Seriously! You should be excited! No more old ladies in their underwear!" and my heart is all like "STFU I WILL NEVER FIND ANYONE TO LOVE NOR ANYONE TO LOVE ME EVER AGAIN AND WHO ELSE WILL MAKE UP SILLY SONGS WITH ME IN THE CAR WHEN WE DRIVE TO THE GROCERY STORE?!?!?!?" and then I just start crying and then things get REALLY stupid.

um. yeah.

So pretty much love is complicated, life is complicated, however the only thing really keeping me in Boone right now is Dan and I just can't count on the idea that we will be 2-GETH-R 4-EVA IN LURVE so might as well go live my life a little bit, right?

Fuck I'm gonna miss him.

Let's go over my benefits so I feel better about this decision:

1. Free Housing (uh... fuck yeah! studio apt!)

2. $1500-1700 depending on where in the country I am stationed

3. Half of my medical premiums paid by my employer

4. 2 weeks paid vacation PLUS national holidays off

5. One month's severance pay after the completion of a 1 year contract

6. Guaranteed raise if I decided to stay

Considering I'm making a solid $600 a month after bills right now, I'd say this could be a good idea.

You know, and really cool.

GAH! FUCK YOU EMOTIONS!

hmm

goin' to korea in august, y'all.

wait

Staying the night at Dan's, again. I hate my new place. It's little and smells old and there are bugs. Not big ones, little summer mountain bugs. But still. But still!

Successfully moved. Anxiously awaiting security deposit. Anxiously awaiting news of when my interview with EPIK will be (I got an interview!).

Life has been mostly quiet lately and I am kind of OK with that and kind of not. Sometimes I want to go out and rage and get shit faced and go crazy and yell and dance but for the most part that seems like too much time/money/effort, when I could just hang out with Dan and watch the Sopranos and eat PB&Js. Yes, I am lame. Working this much makes me not want to do anything else.

I got grabbed by a woman at work the other day, forcibly by the wrist, completely inappropriately. Nothing was meant on her part, and she probably didn't think about it at the time nor since, but I have never wanted to punch a grown woman in the face as much as at that moment. Do not touch me. DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I don't care how much goddamn money your husband has. I think I was too shocked to do anything at the time but stand, grunt, and try not to let out my sudden inner rage.

Planning a much needed girl reunion with Kelly, Jodie, and Whitney. Beach vay-cay in July. If I can't get time off I think I will just quit a month early. Whatever. Fuck that place.

Last night Dan and I road down 194 in the dark listening to REM and then a playlist I picked out which involved depressing songs like Smashing Pumpkin's cover of 'Landslide' and 'Maps' by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and blah blah blah. This was all such bad timing. Shit. Shit shit shit. I'm going to miss my little old man like fucking whoa.

blahblahblah. I have tomorrow off. To do: sort clothes and organize shoebox room, drop backseat full of shit off at Goodwill, go to espresso and watch documentaries and work on sock dolls, make art, hang out with old man, movie night.

also!

I mean, no. I mean, ridiculous.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obsessive–compulsive_personality_disorder

I mean, hmmm. I mean, probably not.

I mean, today's society has got us all so paranoid that there's something wrong with us.

moo

moving = stressful. I am a ridiculous pack rat and have a hard time letting go of anything. Thankfully, friends and other significants have agreed to adopt some of my most cherished possessions. I'm waiting on a call from the Hebron Thrift Store driver to see if someone can come get my furniture tomorrow or Wednesday morning. Walk through with landlord Thur at 9. Need to replace blinds. Need to get rid of more shit. Need to move everything else. STRESS STRESS STRESS! I have tomorrow off though, hooray.

Dan's birthday was a week of fun, friendship, and way too many delicious but awful for my body snacks. The goal for this week: get back on the under 4000 calories a day wagon! We had a cookout for his birthday with all sorts of delicious hot dogs and burgers and fruit salad and I made red velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting... mmm... it was good to bake again. Saturday we saw BASEBALL in Asheville and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I had a FUCKING BLAST (partly because of the game, partly because I got a big beer and stadium hotdog, mmmm....).

Waiting to hear from EPIK, still no word. Emailing inquiry tomorrow if nothing by then.

Happy almost June. Christ, this year is flying by.

I hate when I do things that I don't realize are stupid but then they turn out to be really stupid.

I feel like there is something inside of me that is trying to claw its way out through my stomach, and if I could only let it escape I would finally be at peace. I feel bugs under my skin and ticking across my brain. I don't think anyone can ever really love anyone else or be loved, I think the idea of community is illusion and I think I will never be happy or even just content. I'm tired and stupid and sick and ashamed of myself and very much alone.

unpacked

I gotta move out of my apartment in like two weeks and I haven't even started packing or anything. Mainly because I'm lazy plus I am going to have to give like everything I own away, which is hard for me because EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT, Y'ALL. I'm thinking of just dragging the furniture out onto the hill with a sign that says FREE and hoping someone will show up and haul it off.

Three months and it's bye-bye Boonetown. I am having a hard time accepting this even though my job sucks and I don't have any really close friends here anymore and even if I stayed doesn't mean Dan and I would still be together anyway though breaking up, which I'm assuming we will inevitably do before I leave, depending on where I go or what happens, sucks major fucking balls.

All in all, I am depressed and lonely and so very very very very lost. And confused. And bored, and stifled, and sick, and blah blah blah. Whiney! Did I mention whiney?

Mom is coming up memorial day weekend to take some of my books which I do not want to give away, precious children of mine they are, and maybe some other stuff. Does anyone need furniture? I have a tiny desk, a kitchen table, a round end table, a tv stand with a little shelf in it, a full size dresser, and a futon. Everything is free though the futon is in really nice shape and $20 would be sweet for it. But mostly I just need these things out of my life (uh, but not the futon until after the 16th). So yeah. Free shit but you have to get it yourself.

I NEED TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND LET GO, Y'ALL.

Sent my Korea application in yesterday. If no go, then what comes August? Movin' in with one of the rents until I can afford to go somewhere badass I guess.

Life is poop.

And you watched as your brains fell out through your teeth.
Push the pieces in place.
Make your smile sweet to see.
Don't you take this away.
I'm still wanting my face on your cheek.

Right now I should be getting dressed and going to work, which seems like an insurmountable task, because all I want to do is set myself on fire and go spiralling into the sky like a pent-up firework on the 4th of July.

Myers-Briggs

Hanging out with Matt and Ben reminds me of this. Today, when I pulled out my highlighted and notated work schedule, Matt said to me "you are such a J."

----

Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

---

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

OH GEEZ

I honestly don't understand why some people have it within them to be so petty. For instance, yesterday at the store we received a shipment of this certain pant that all these fucking old ladies go crazy about. As such, we have two files of back orders to go through when new boxes come in, because these old ladies will wait weeks and weeks to get these stupid pants. So, the other new girl and I got the file we knew about, went through it, and pulled three pairs of pants that were special ordered. Called them, left messages or did phone purchases, blah blah blah, wrapped up what needed to be shipped and put what needed to be held in the back. However, these were just the phone and in store orders -- this didn't include the online orders, of which there are more and older ones. So, Big Bitch "C" (codenames, y'all) watched Liz and I do this all, knowing it was the first time we've done it, and didn't say a damn thing about the other file or what we were supposed to do with the order pages in the first file when we were done. Now, I realize she's not our manager or supervisor, but no managers or supervisors were scheduled for yesterday and she had seniority over us, and she usually bosses us the fuck around anyway and acts like she's in charge, so today I find out that we did stuff sort of wrong and she didn't say a damn thing about it even though she was hovering over us all the time. So, the manger came in today, and was really nice but you could tell sort of irritated about what we did.

So pretty much the broad situation is an older, more experienced coworker knowingly watching the two new employees to something wrong, the first time they've ever done it, knowing that the new employees were doing it wrong and sort of effing up the system and that the manger would come in today and be pissed, and still not saying anything about it or even mentioning the other file.

And I'm just kinda like, what the fuck? Thanks for the help. And this is from a woman who has repeatedly chastised me for doing things "wrong" that all the other employees do, and talks to the other new girl and I like we're small dogs. And I'm wondering what the fuck happened to being a team player or being nice or helpful or even if not any of those things just doing your job right by making sure others don't fuck up the store?

GRR. If you're going to act like a fucking bossy know-it-all, at least do it when it would be helpful.

ANYWAY.

Like all jobs, this is incredibly frustrating in hundreds of tiny, menial, REALLY FUCKING STUPID ways.

I'm worried that I'm never going to be happy with anything I do, and if that is the case why don't I just do something easy that will make me a bunch of money like porn.

I'm also worried that I am waaaay too fucking sensitive and agonize over tiny little things that no one else agonizes over and as such live in a state of agitation and stress pretty much 98% of the time. Which makes life feel waaay more difficult than it should be. Sometimes I wonder what everyone else is doing right that I can't seem to do, or if everyone feels as out of wack with the world as I do.

I don't really have any reason to be in Boone anymore. I mean you know, besides Dan. When I'm with him I'm incredibly happy, but it's because when two people are in a relationship they have the capacity to build their own little world which isn't the real world at all. So, Dan makes me happy, but only fulfills one aspect of my life, when all the others are struggling.

Overall, I am not happy. And I am not happy in ways which cannot be fulfilled by other people. So, I guess as soon as I get the money, it's time to go. The things which made Boone meaningful to me -- college, the friends I made here, the period in my life, the feeling of productivity -- all those things are gone now, and while I have a wonderful relationship with someone who I love dearly, it doesn't really make up for the fact that I don't have a lot of friends, out of those I do only 1 of them do I feel really close to, and she's leaving soon anyway, I am using my degree at a dead-end job to write about golf tops for old ladies, I very rarely do something "new," and I have no real ties to the community.

I know this sounds like a "poor me" post, but... what the fuck ever.

shit shit shit.

old ladies

So today I went and took Mingus for a walk, and not 5 minutes from Dan's house I walked past an old lady on her front porch who said "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" I looked at her and said something along the lines of "uh... yes?" and she said "Can you help me? I really need your help!" and I'm all like "uh... ok?" so I go up and I'm looking where to tie Mingus up as she's explaining to me that the lady she's taking care of (and keep in mind... THIS lady who's talking to me is like pushing 65 or 70) has fallen and her son isn't there to help get her back up. So we shut Mingus up in the mud room so he can't escape and I follow her into the house which has that same shut up, tepid sort of smell that all old people homes have, around the corner into the bathroom where this lady has fallen (the other lady did make sure she had pants on THANK GOD). She's just lying there on the floor of the bathroom with her hands on her chest and a pillow behind her back. SO, I have to help lift this other old lady (who's gotta be pushing fucking 90 at LEAST) back into her wheelchair. I have to put one foot on each side of her hips (yes, the younger old lady told me to, quote, "straddle her"), lean over, and let her lace her fingers together around the back of my neck. Then I lift with my legs and she's heavy -- I mean, for a person she's probably pretty light since she wasn't much bigger than me, but it was all dead weight, you know, like lifting up one of those big bags of dog food, and I had to sort of swing her into her chair while the other old lady sort of steered her hips in. She said the older lady's shoes must have been slick and the floor was slick so she just sort of slipped off of the toilet when she went to use the bathroom, and the younger lady's son wasn't home so they couldn't get her off the floor, and she had been lying there for an hour before I came along with Mingus and was the first person who could help. And when this older woman laced her fingers around my neck her and as I was first lifting her off the ground her face was like three inches from my face and all I could think of was the sandwich I had after work and how I had felt that there was a little piece of ham stuck in between my front teeth that I hadn't bothered to remove because who the fuck would see it but for some reason I had to say "hello" to this ancient woman and all I thought what a very strange way to meet someone. I remember looking straight into her face and how round it was and how it was like looking at a young child and how smooth the skin of her face looked though there were wrinkles at the edges of it and how it was covered in freckles and the skin itself looked frail like paper. And I thought "Oh my god am I gonna be this old am I gonna be like this?" as I lifted her up. When we got back in her chair she made the same sort of simple happy face that little kids do and then she smiled and said something but I didn't understand what she said so she said again "Who are you?" and then "Where do you live?" and I answered but I felt so awkward and all I wanted to do was get out of there so I asked if they were OK and the other lady said "Oh yes, we're fine now" so I said something about leaving and went to get Mingus and the lady thanked me and I got the fuck out of there.

I know I am writing this the same way that I write my dreams but it feels applicable because the whole experience was so surreal. I'm not sure how this fits into the symbology of my life but it's the sort of experience that's so overwhelming you know it means something even if you can't figure out what.

so many

So many things (good and bad) are happening to so many people lately. Tumultuous world! We are all tossed about like socks in a dryer, hoping not to lose our mates.

(and that's not necessarily a literal mate, either.)

My hair smells like campfire and I'm not sure why.

Dan leaves tomorrow for 5 days to go to a conference in Arizona. My insides are sadder than I think they should be.

I am scattered in a thousand different places!

complete crisis of self. and then I wonder if there's really a point to anything?

can'tsleepwon'tsleep

Today I am so tired my body doesn't feel like my own, and I am going through my morning motions as though I were a sleepwalker.

I can't remember the very beginning of it, but towards the beginning I was running through a trail. It was twilight and covered in snow, but it wasn't snowing and I don't remember being cold. It slanted up a little, and there were pine trees so close on either side I couldn't see the sky. I ran out of the end of the trail and up the long driveway of some building that was sort of on a hill. The driveway was covered in snow too, fresh snow, a couple inches of it. No one else had stepped on it. I saw Dan at the top of the hill. I can't remember exact words, but he told me our relationship was based too much on sex and he was having daydreams about having conversations with me, and didn't I see what was wrong? My heart hurt and I didn't want to listen to him, so I turned and ran back down the trail. I remember forcing myself to run as fast as I could and not look back. At one point I tripped and just lay in the snow.

**FAST FORWARD TO DIFFERENT PART OF DREAM**

I was in some gross apartment complex that was damp and dirty and sort of yellow, in the basement of it going through to the exit door to take the trail again. There was a man with a flashlight looking up into the pipes that line the wall, and a couple of girls across watching him. I don't know what they were looking for. They said something to me and I left out the side door. It was the same strange snowy twilight as the first part of the dream, and I started up the trail.

When I got to the top of the trail, it was daylight -- around noon it felt like, and I was at the top of the trail (different, this time, than before) with Gary and two other people. We gathered facing each other, making a diamond with our bags in the middle, going through our 'supplies.' A group of kids were in a line, on a field trip, to our rights. Gary and I were facing each other as we sifted through the bags. A woman walked past us, a stern light-skinned black woman with a purple skirt-suit on, and said something condescending and disapproving about Gary's bottle of whiskey, then walked back down the trail we had just come from (now significantly shorter than before). We shrugged, and I said "It doesn't matter; it's not federal land. We can have it."

**FAST FORWARD**

And then, somehow, we were in the back of this man and his two sons' old farm truck -- the kind with wooden rails up in the back, and we were traveling down a dirt road next to a field on one side and a few old houses on the other. I looked at Gary. "Do you know where we're going?" I asked him. He didn't. We stopped. I looked down the road and saw a small shape in the sky in the distance. It kept getting closer and closer and I realized it was a raspberry colored helicopter. It was coming to get us! We jumped off the truck and hid under it. We shot at it with something, but I don't know what. The old man laughed and I realized we had been kidnapped, tricked somehow. The helicopter flew in close and looked at me under the truck, as if it were a person or animal instead of a machine with someone in it. It flew off quickly, and the man was still laughing.

**FAST FORWARD**

Now we were in the house. We were gathered around on the floor while he sat and talked to us, and my cell phone suddenly rang. "I'm so sorry!" I said, as he glared at me. I got up to my backpack which was on a tall table and unzipped the front pouch. I pulled out my cell phone and tried to sneak away without being noticed. I went up a few stairs and into a big wooden room that was dusty and had no furniture but huge windows with dusty light pouring in. I put one finger to my ear and started talking into the phone to my mother. "MOM! I've been kidnapped! I don't know where I am. West Virginia? Pennsylvania?" I said, even though they both sounded wrong. She laughed and didn't believe me. I turned around and the old man was behind me in the doorway. He swiftly walked up to me.

**FAST A LITTLE FORWARD**

I was running from him, still in the house but looking for a place to hide. I ran into a smaller room which was upstairs. The only thing was a broke down camp bed near the doorway. I tried to wedge my way under it. The old man came in and immediately squatted down next to and looked under the bed. Suddenly I was in Matt's body and the bed had grown to admit the two of us under it, half-kneeling. He pinched my nipple with one hand and would not let go, as he smiled a crooked, missing-tooth smile at me, eyes slightly narrowed and crazy looking. He reached between my legs and grabbed my cock. I didn't like it. He squeezed it and told me how hard it was. I was afraid he was going to rape me.

**FAST A LITTLE FORWARD**

It was after the kidnapping. I don't know how I got back to my mom's house, but I was there with her and she was reading the paper. There was an article in it about my kidnapper; he had done the same thing to other boys and he had them captured in his house from 1959 to 1966. It said it was in Alabama. "So that's where I was," I thought. Mom still acted as if it were no big deal.

***********************

There was a little more randomness toward the end that didn't quite follow this grand story arc.

Also, no wonder I'm exhausted when I wake up.

tarot carrot

Last night I had Christian read me my tarot cards. Now, while I'm pretty sure that I think there might be some sort of mysterious forces out there in the universe, I'm definitely not the type of person who believes psychics or horoscopes or any of those sorts of things. However, I was a little startled to see some very applicable cards come up. I don't know if it's the workings of some sort of mystical... uh... whatever, or if it was Christian and I giving them significance in light of things we've been talking about recently (I'm more likely to lean toward the interpretation). Anyway, personal beliefs (or confusion, really) aside, it definitely got waaay more personal than I was expecting it to be, and it certainly gave me some things to think about.

I've pretty much been poking around Boone not, as I think I've thought before, because I don't know what to do, but rather because I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do and I'm so terrified of failure or 'doing the wrong thing' that I prevent myself from any real action, therefore effectively (so I imagined) protecting myself from any RISK but also from new, potentially life-enhancing experiences. However, I'm not actually 'protecting' myself from anything -- regardless of any decisions I think I am making or not making, the world will continue to spiral on ceaselessly, people will continue to change, and I will still be faced with difficulties, whether I like it or not. So, perhaps I should make peace with the idea that I only have a certain amount of control over my life, but that I do have SOME control over it and if I don't UTILIZE myself to my fullest potential, I'm never going to be happy with myself.

In essence, I know I have some hard decisions to make. No, not quite. I think I have already made certain decisions, but I dreading some of the consequences of these decisions. Regarding one person in particular. I know it's silly to wish I was a little older, or he was a little younger, because we are who we are and even if those things were different there'd still be no guarantee that things would work out in the long run. There's no guarantee that if we both stay here in Boone forever we would be happy. I don't think I would be, as much as I think I would WANT to be. And I know I'm young, and we haven't been together very long, blah blah blah blah blah all that other downer shit, but I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spend the rest of my life just hanging out with than him. However, I can't let my entire being, my own aspirations and needs and desires be overridden by emotions I have for another person. People are so unpredictable that it's madness to allow your own happiness to be in the complete control of another. Besides, there's more to life than love, you know (even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes).

So, to make this tangible, I am taking great strides towards going to South Korea within the next year. Meg is being EXTREMELY helpful with this. She's in Pyeongtaeg (a little south of Seoul, near the west coast) and is definitely on board with trying to help me find placement somewhere near (I think she's a little homesick and would be excited to see a familiar face). Plus Heather has volunteered to hang out with me and let me utilize her as a research resource (since she's, you know, done this sort of thing before). So this is exciting but also very scary because it might actually be happening.

Hmm.

in other news I've been spending lots of time today tearing my own insides to pieces and questioning everything I've done up to this point and whether or not I'm a waste of human space.

omg yall

seriously. there's been, like, NO ONE in the store today. most boring day EVARRR. Plus the store owner forgot to switch over credit cards for the web hosting company, so our account is currently suspended. Which means I can't do pretty much 90% of what I was hired to do. SO. edited massive amounts of pictures in the optimism that they'll get their shit straight in the next week or so. ANYWAY WORK IS NOT MY WHOLE LIFE. *deeeeep breath*

Tomorrow I have a day off! (I think if I didn't have tomorrow off I wouldn't be so. fucking. antsy.) Tonight! Dan and I are going to the collective to make art? I am working on a new book which I am very excited about and will be a present! for someone. Therefore, there's a lot of pressure to make it perfect and beautiful, even though I know the recipient of this present won't give a shit if it's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts, y'all!!!!!

Last night Heather told me a little about her being in Korea. A very little, which has spurned me to request talkytimes with her! She said she was TOESL certified which means she made more money when she was over there. This is something I should think about, particularly if I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

Saw Gary for about 3 whole minutes yesterday. He was driving through town and left me a message around 11 while I was at work. I left him a voicemail saying I would probably miss him and then pretty much forgot about it until later. Dan and I were sitting outside eating at Tuppelos and up walks Gary and Jenny! Yay! They were on their way out of town (for serious) so essentially just pulled over on the side of the road to say "OH HAI GOODBAI!" His new dog is adorable.

Still no news on future living situation.

I think that's it? End transmission.

great success

I made it out to Jacksonville with no incident. I got here a little before 3 yesterday which must mean the roads got shorter because lord knows I wasn't speeding. *coughcough* Washed my car right after I got here, walked away for five minutes, and when I came back it was already covered in pollen. Oh, springtime on the coast... got sushi with Don and his girlfriend last night, talked about Jay-pan. Need to start saving monies...

Today! My car is being inspected, so I have no way of leaving the house just yet. I am about to go out to the garage to see if any of the (supposedly) 4 bikes we have lying around here are worth salvaging. Or at least scrapping for parts. Thinking about going to the beach later. It will only be a scant 74 degrees, but it's been a while since I've seen the ocean and I miss it.

Tonight! Nicole got a fondue pot for Christmas so we will be having a fondue party (oh hell yeah). So, when the car is retrieved, I am off to buy cheeses I can't afford! Hooray for cheese! Dan'll be so jealous when he hears! ha ha ha

NOTE TO SELF

** update resume and write essay "Why I want to teach English to children in Japan" for application.

not feeling verbally inspired as per this title

Yesterday was a very slow day at work, which pretty much made up for Saturday. Lots of jokes with the new girl, who unfortunately just found out this weekend she and her family have to move, which sucks, because I was so excited to have a coworker under the age of 30. C'est la vie! Pretty much we made fun of the new stock and just about everything else. Today will hopefully be the same amount of busy so I can work on the website. Hurrah! Professional job experience!

Last night I had a super awesome lady date with Amanda. Much as I love my duck, I realize it's probably not making me a well-rounded person to spend every moment of my free time with him (which usually is what happens). I SCHEDULED time with her because I was afraid I would get home, call him, we'd make plans for dinner, get sucked into our own little universe (pleasant and full of crazy magic sunshine and chocolate rainbows as it is) and then another day would pass without reinforcing positive bonds with every other person on this planet whom I love. SO, tapas at Crave (I ate waaaay too much fried food y'all. But I finally got some calamari. And their poached pear dessert? BANGIN'!) with the coupon I got on the back of my Harris Teeter receipt. Hooray for coupons! Dinner + talkytimes + Lady Gaga videos. All in all a successful night for friendship.

Didn't sleep well last night. Apparently my body only wants to sleep at the most inconvenient times (i.e. for 3 hours before a Naked Gods show the eve of my one day off this week). Blargh!

"Time stays long enough for anyone who will use it." - Leonardo da Vinci

(I need to finish my da Vinci biographies!)

beautiful day

It's another beautiful practically spring day in Boone and of course I will be working inside for eight hours running around for old ladies who need "...ALL OF YOUR TRIBAL SALE JEANS IN SIZE 12" immediately. This job just reminds me how nice people are to things and money but not other people. However, every once in a while a little old lady calls me sweet or adorable or "so cute" and I kind of like that in the sort of way a kitten probably likes attention. Whatevs. I don't think I get my clothing allowance until the store owner gets back from Florida, which sucks because I AM GOING TO GET THE MOST BADASS GENUINE LEATHER MOTORCYCLE JACKET FOR FUCKING FREE, MUTHAFUCKAS. Even if I have to wear the same pants+top every day to work. It feels like butter, y'all. Paula Deen would bake it into a heart attack.

Dan and I have taught ourselves the coptic stitch and have made a few books. Super fun times. I like hanging out and making things with him in his studio. This is the first time in a really long time where I have dated someone who has the same interests, actually encourages me to pursue those interests as if I were good at things, and pursues said interests with me for fun. (I've dated a lot of lame-o jerkfaces, though.) Pretty much Dan makes even the most mundane activities fun, and I completely adore him in a completely disgusting sort of way. This is where we all vom. *VOM*

ANYWAY. Lots of weird dreams, again. Night before last I dreamed my stepdad was retiring from the navy (which he did, like, 10 years ago). We were standing in the hallway of the house in Jacksonville, and my stepsister gave him a GIANT box of chocolates and a bouquet of roses. I felt like a jackass because I didn't get him anything. Then he set the box down, sort of fell over and grabbed his side/left arm because he was having a heart attack. I leaned down and touched his back to be like "WTF?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" and he pushed my hand away.

Two nights before that I had a dream where he was taking me and some other possible dream sibling down the parkway. We drove, then got out to walk, and the parkway turned into this absolutely stunning ocean cover surrounded by huge, green, steep mountains (sort of like a Norwegian fjord but meeting the ocean). We started walking out into the water, which was incredibly clear. It was warm. I don't know if the water rose or if we just walked out farther, but suddenly it was up to his chest and I scrambled onto a rock to sit. Then he told me to come on because it was time to leave, and I remember looking down at my feet and how it would be impossible to get down without the barnacles and shells cutting into my feet.

nernerner

So my friend Kris in Tokyo has offered to extend his couch to me in the event I would like to move to Japan.

!!!!!!SAY WHAT!!!!!!

He's says it's easier to get a job once you're already over there, unless you go through one of the giant English-teaching companies, which takes longer. Things to research: Visa stuff, residency stuff, language stuff, job stuff, etc. etc. etc.

I think it would be scary awesome. A good way to spend a year or so. Guess I should try and start saving my money stuffs, huh?

ughughug

Last night I should have stayed home and cleaned, but instead I drank a bottle of wine to myself, rode what I proclaimed to be the 'drunk train' over to Adam and Perry's (aka walking), then went to the slooon to get more drunk. Mission accomplished. As such, my head feels like it's going to crack open, but at least my stomach feels ok. Working all day at the store today! Guess I should get dressed. It was good to see different people for a night. However, I'm convincing myself more and more that I am 'over' getting drunk. Blahh.

Today is Friday and I couldn't care less! I have no idea what's going on this weekend! Store today, bagels tomorrow, OFF SUNDAY! WOOOO! Then store, probably bagels, store store store store. Sunday is becoming my only day of rest; I either work all the time or not at all, it seems.

I just want to stay home and make (f)arts!

and again!

I just don't know what the fuck I want, do I?

also! affection!

Hanging out with both Dan and Christian at Dan's house yesterday made me realize just how overly affectionate I am with Dan. And how inappropriate that overt affection may be in front of other people. Pretty much now I'm a little paranoid that I'm embarrassing him over and over again on a constant basis, not to mention disgusting everyone we're with. I can't help it; I just get excited y'all. Though I've been drawing pretty disturbing parallels between said behavior and that of puppies. Hmmm. Perhaps this should be toned down a bit?

Besides the duckman, I've had a long, mopey, uncreative winter. I need to (a) clean out my apartment (aka learn to let go), (b) work on one of my many in-progress paintings (aka finish what I start), and (c) FUCKING START WRITING AGAIN.

I'd also like to (d) read more (I just got 2 biographies on da Vinci from the library) and (e) figure out where I'm going to live in 2 months.

Anyone know anyone (who's not crazy) who needs a roommate come mid-May? I think I'm too poor to move out of Boone just yet.

this morning

Today, on the way to work, I saw a car pulled over on the side of the road and two grown men weeping openly over the body of a large brown dog.

your mother should've

So! The sun is set to emerge this weekend, and I do not have to work! I think Dan and I might be driving out to Jonas Ridge today to check on his parents' house. I like drives and I like Dan so it should be good. I also like sun, of which there has been far too little this winter. I'm hoping the coming spring will sweep fresh breezes through my life and get me motivated to, you know, DO SOMETHING, even if I don't 'go anywhere.' I want and need to be more creative. I need to start writing again. I think I am going to get a new ribbon for my typewriter (which, according to Sir Clark Frazier Hale III, Emperor of India) Staples did have at some point in time. I like the rhythm of rambling on my typewriter, and now when Dan asks me to keep him company at the studio I can try and be more productive too.

I need to GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND CLEAN MY GODDAMN APARTMENT. I'm living like a child, which I feel could be *vaguely* excusable in the frozen, depressed depths of winter, but the sunshine makes it seem pretty pathetic. Also! I need to clean the kitchen so I can make delicious lemon squares.

INTROSPECTIVE MOMENT:

I think I have a serious inability to live in the moment paired with a serious inability to make plans for fear of failure. (This makes it hard to, you know, form human connections through shared experience and also get ANYthing done.) I should work on these things.

In other news, West Virginia last weekend for Matt's Big Ugly Birthday Bash. I can't say anything except I'm so glad I went, and I never feel more myself than when I'm with these kids.

still gary

I need to stop thinking about friends and geography or I will be lonely forever. People lately have been coming in and out of my life in brief and superficial doses, but my heart is a town and all the above people live there.

(and yes, you too emma and kristi and whoever else couldn't be there.)

nm

I had a nightmare last night. It was either the repeat of a nightmare I've had before, greatly expanded, or it just felt like deja vu in my dream. Anyway, at the end of it, I was about to confront the person upon whom the nightmare was based around. I heard her making noises about the other end of the abandoned building in the sea where we were searching for her. I was outside on some sort of fire escape/balcony/whatever on the side of the house, while my compatriots were further inside in an unlit room that looked like it belonged to a little girl. I tried throwing lightbulbs down at the girl we were looking forward, but whenever I threw them they weren't making the noise of breaking glass. I then tried to scream at her, or at my company, but I couldn't get anything out. I tried harder and harder until I woke up making this godawful whistling noise in the back of my throat.

blerg!

I am sick! I am blaming stress for causing my immune system to get strained, therefore leaving me open as the prey for all sorts of nasty viruses. Yesterday I felt like shiiiiiit, but everything with the website at work decided to break so luckily I just got to sit in my little computer corner for pretty much my entire shift yesterday.

Bagels today. I feel significantly better, though I still feel weird when I swallow. I got ten hours of sleep last night, woooo! Surprisingly enough, it was probably the best 10 hours of sick sleep I've ever gotten. Fancy that.

Today is Tuesday, which means... well, nothing really.

ughughugh

I need to get my fucking life together. The apartment's a mess and I can't find any of my goddamn coffee cups. My eyes are sooooo swollen. It's a beautiful day and I'm going to be inside making bagels for minimum wage.

I need to get the fuck out of this town. Even if just for a little while. However, I'm in the Boone Squeeze - I want to go, but I'm too poor to.

And there's, you know, that whole boy situation. Man? Moy. That whole Moy situation.

Blah blah blah fucking blah. I need to get dressed.

aside

I do have to say though, thank god for Dan because otherwise I probably would have either abandoned this whole damn town or hung myself by now.

It's a long, long winter y'all.

this girl

who has two thumbs and absolutely no way to pay her landlord on march 1st?

things

things that have been on my mind lately/often/always:

1. I don't think I know how to love, rather I set up and allow myself to be consumed.

2. I am plagued by the constant fear that TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

(a) This makes me feel pressured to spend every second of my life accomplishing SOMETHING, to the point that going to sleep becomes difficult.

(b) I think this is created by an intense fear of death, of which I cannot accept as inevitable.

(c) Related to a fear of being alone and unloved.

(d) I'm afraid all of this is also tied to some sort of unconscious desire to fix all of the mistakes my family has made in the past and somehow 'fix' my childhood by perfecting my future, as soon as possible.

3. I am terrified of failure and therefore despite #2 I find myself impotent to action.

snowblue

snow = FOUR shifts canceled in the last two weeks. not good, y'all. not good.

sofer

1. So far I've worked three full days at my new job, and I really like it. No one yells at me, even when I crash the entire website (but it was totally fixed within two hours, y'all. totally.). The lovely French lady who works there has something nice to say about me/what I'm wearing pretty much every day ("That's such a good color on you!" "You just have a cute little figure," etc.) and the manager and owner think I am an INTERNET/COMPUTER GURU because I can (a) edit pictures in photoshop, (b) set up a wireless network and (c) update the website (you know, when I'm not busy blowing it up). I am also learning about the intricacies of status and markup, via seeing the at-cost price of items as compared to the retail price.

2. Still making bagels a few times a week until my new job goes full time. I don't mind, but I will be glad when I no longer have to pry burnt seeds out of the toaster. But I can use the extra moneymoneymoney.

3. Schlumped through the snow for super fun times at the Nth on Friday. Consumed copious amounts of wine while (accidently) ditching the dan (he didn't mind though). Friends, hoorah! Art, hoorah! Snacks, hoorah!

4. me+dan=adorable. seriously. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. throatbarfs.

... and my only complaint in my life right now: wtf is up with this gotdamn snow y'all? SRSLY!

twirly

stupid happy

vomit

I keep doing and saying things that I know I shouldn't be doing or saying but I am doing and saying them anyway.

um.....good!!!

I went with Dan when he delivered more papers today out in Banner Elk/Newland. Unfortunately, Christa's was closed, so our bellies were not filled with delicious sandwiches from the heavens. However, this sign provided much amusement:

futurger

Article on Time about JD Salinger's death:

"By the time he published that story, in 1953, Salinger had found his own sort of yogi's retreat, the small house in Cornish, N.H. When he first took it on it had no heat, electricity or running water. But it rested on 90 hillside acres that could insulate him from an outside world he found increasingly trivial, irrelevant and intrusive. For a while he mixed comfortably with his neighbors. But then a couple of teenage girls interviewed him for what he thought would be a story on the high school page of the local paper. When the paper billed it instead as a scoop in its regular pages, Salinger was furious. It was the last interview he ever gave. Not long after he built a high wall around his house."

hahaha. Me in 20 years, give or take the literary prestige.

good morning

True to form, the maintenance men have decided that 7:30 am is the perfect time to use fucking pickaxes to dig up the ground outside my apartment. Right outside -- as in it sounds like they keep hitting my screen door with their shovels. Thanks guys! This stays right in line with the barging-into-my-apartment-at-all-hours-looking-for-mysterious-leaks. Blah.

In less angsty news, I got a job! OH CHRIST YES! I will be working for one of the ladystores down in Banner Elk. I'll be doing salesperson stuff (which, I have to admit -- I kind of miss working clothing) in addition to taking photos of merchandise and updating their facebook, twitter, online newsletter, and website content (it doesn't appear their website has been updated since late 2008). Yeah. So, like, stuff that I can actually put on my resume! New Media experience here I fucking come! The ladies who work there all seem pretty nice -- well, the store manager seems a little 'stern', but since I usually don't fuck around I think we'll get along smoothly. Even though they're all, you know, 30-40 years older than me, ha ha. Old ladies just think I'm adorable!

It's only part time right now, until the girl who I'm replacing goes to Alaska (mid-March), but it's 25 hr/week part-time, at a rate I can live off of if I don't go crazy next month. HOORAY! I DON'T HAVE TO GET FOOD STAMPS! I also might be able to still work at the bagel place until I go full time, considering that, even with my open schedule right now, they only work me two days a week (harrumph).

So yeah. I'm feeling a shit ton more upbeat. Today is a day off which I fully intend on enjoying because I don't have to go on any more fruitless fucking job searches. This most likely means: working on paintings, schmoozing around Espresso, watching more of the Yves Saint Laurent documentary on netflix, making jewelry, and baking. yessssssss.

tween

The past week or so has made me conclude that I am both (a) way too old and (b) way too young for this town.

Went to the 641 RPM show last night and was one of three people drinking a beer. Because I was one of about three people who were old enough to actually *purchase* and legally *consume* beer. Hmm. Hence thought "a." However, a joke from Travis sparks thought "b": "Must be strange to you, being one of the oldest people in the room."

Not that I find it particularly offensive. But the above, combined with Dan's absence this weekend, just further emphasizes my feeling of not belonging in this town. The majority of my close friends and those who I would consider my "peers" have left town. Remaining are those younger than me, only one who I find myself still associating with on a regular basis (Amanda), those incredibly younger than me who I would feel completely weird about hanging out with (thought "a"), and the older Espresso/Saloon crowd who, though I know and talk to a little bit, I don't overwhelmingly relate to. I don't know. I feel like everyone is on an adventure, is taking a break in between their adventures, or have already had their share of adventures, and I am still sitting here in my apartment, alone, afraid to do anything. Pair this with other complications that I will not digress into via the interwebs, and I feel particularly stunted.

Of course, I am also completely lacking direction. I applied to a few jobs with Americorps, but I'm not convinced that's something I want to do. Help people/the world, in a general sense, but be employed by the government and, essentially, just another instrument of bureaucracy? Grad school doesn't seem like a viable option either, since I don't really know what I want to study, and would probably fall into the same trap I did at App - major in something you think you like because you don't know what else to do. I wish I would have explored my options more. I probably would have ended up in technical photography or computer/web programming.

Essentially, I am floundering financially and failing to fully realize my self-identity

Blerg.

I don't know shit about shit y'all.

Aya Takano

Japanese artist Aya Takano

(Sommer, I thought you might like these.)

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

I've been trying to keep this in mind so I do stuff.

So, it appears the bagel place has decided I will only be working about two four-hour shifts every week. YIKES! At least that's been the trend. I did get paid today though, a little more than I thought I would (thank god). However, new classifieds come out today. I WILL be able to pay my rent on the first. But almost my entire savings are gone... gross. I have about a month to find a full time job (or several part time jobs) before my entire life as I know it implodes. Have I mentioned how stupid I feel for having signed this current lease? Yuck. I'm not making another housing decision until April. And that one will DEFINITELY be less expensive. Harrumph.

This whole job thing is stressing me out to the point where I am feeling bad about myself and ergo trying to have others reinforce my self worth. WHICH, as I know from past experiences, is a BAD thing. When one defines oneself via the thoughts or ideas imposed upon them by another, one inevitably loses oneself. That's not to say we can't all learn from each other, grow as people, etc.; it just means that I can't allow others to tell me who I am because I am doubting myself. Gah. Does that make sense? Whatever.

Essentially what this boils down to is that I'm crazy about my duck but am in a state of extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem which I am afraid I am allowing to rub off on our relationship and seek comfort and reinforcement from him though I want him as my boyfriend and not counselor. AAAHH! SOOOO! Here are steps I am GOING TO TAKE (a.k.a. dear Summer, stop pussyfooting around and use all this precious time to your self productively) to prevent such situation:

1. Apply to all the jobs for which I'm qualified that came out in the paper today

2. For the love of cheezus, do more art. Particularly, finish paintings of Gary and Dan

a. Also! Work on drawing people's bodies

iii. that shit is hard, y'all

3. Apply for some internships for this summer. Expand my horizons!

4. Learn Dreamweaver

5. Maybe hang out more with more people?

a. I think I might just be hardwired to spend time by myself. Does this lead to too much INTROSPECTION? I dunno.

6. When I get money again, sign up for WWOOF and find somewhere south of the ecuador who will take me for next winter so I don't have to be cold.

H'OKAY? H'OKAY!

direire

This job situation is ridiculous. FINALLY going back in to work after having the last FOUR days off... blerg. First paycheck Wednesday. Well, $100 is better than a punch in the face, I guess... Unfortunately, rent time is sneaking up on me, AND HOW! I hope I get a job (or even just an interview, sheesh) soon. I like paying my rent and not having to worry on the 2nd about what's gonna happen the next time the 1st rolls around.

The last few days I've felt pretty shitty. Probably because I've accomplished... eh, nothing particularly constructive. Just more applications.

This whole 'early 20-something, liminal state' thing sucks balls. SRSLY.

ffffffuhriday

1. Have found a parking spot for my car. yeeessss. Dan's friend is letting me rent a spot in her driveway, about a 15-18 min walk from my apt. And like 3 mins from his house. niiiiice.

2. Applied to FOUR more jobs; 2 secretary/receptionist/blahblah, 1 office manager, 1 with WYN which I think would be pretty damn swell. I wrote a really heartfelt cover letter and whatnot. Hooray for after school programs!

3. Bagels... eh. I only was on schedule for 2 days this week. They said they'd "let me know" when they needed me to come in again. Blerg. I think they're just waiting for their visit from the health inspector and are afraid if I am there I will do something stupid. So, health inspector, please come soon so I can work. Kthnx.

4. Mom bought a house in Wilson, which makes the drive out to her place about 30=45 minutes less. It's her "10 year" house -- she has 10 years until she retires, and her current job is going to eventually be moved to Raleigh, or if she gets promoted she will be working in Raleigh, so she figured she might as well just buy a damn house. It's really cute and sits on about an acre of land and is zoned within county but not city limits so she can get chickens. CUTE! Also! It's only an hour from the statewide flea market in Raleigh, so we've been discussing going one weekend and getting a spot. Which means I'm going to be using some of this not-working time to build up some stock and such. MAKING THINGS IS NEAT, WOOO!

5. Kristi sent me a care package with all sorts of neat paper goods and candy and a flower I can grow. I felt pretty special. Working on some mail art for her.

6. I am ridiculously stupid fucking happy relationship-wise. Borderline retarded. It's pretty disgusting but I like it.

7. Also broke. But trying to fix that.

8. I like lists!

9. Applying for Americorps jobs, looking into WWOOF, trying to find some volunteer abroad opportunities that don't cost me a million dollars, etc. I think I want to get out of Boone; not for forever, but for a bit. Of course #6 greatly complicates that.

10. It just felt right to end on 10. Have a good day y'all.