Myers-Briggs

Hanging out with Matt and Ben reminds me of this. Today, when I pulled out my highlighted and notated work schedule, Matt said to me "you are such a J."

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Portrait of an INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

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The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

Jungian functional preference ordering:

Dominant: Introverted Intuition
Auxilliary: Extraverted Feeling
Tertiary: Introverted Thinking
Inferior: Extraverted Sensing

OH GEEZ

I honestly don't understand why some people have it within them to be so petty. For instance, yesterday at the store we received a shipment of this certain pant that all these fucking old ladies go crazy about. As such, we have two files of back orders to go through when new boxes come in, because these old ladies will wait weeks and weeks to get these stupid pants. So, the other new girl and I got the file we knew about, went through it, and pulled three pairs of pants that were special ordered. Called them, left messages or did phone purchases, blah blah blah, wrapped up what needed to be shipped and put what needed to be held in the back. However, these were just the phone and in store orders -- this didn't include the online orders, of which there are more and older ones. So, Big Bitch "C" (codenames, y'all) watched Liz and I do this all, knowing it was the first time we've done it, and didn't say a damn thing about the other file or what we were supposed to do with the order pages in the first file when we were done. Now, I realize she's not our manager or supervisor, but no managers or supervisors were scheduled for yesterday and she had seniority over us, and she usually bosses us the fuck around anyway and acts like she's in charge, so today I find out that we did stuff sort of wrong and she didn't say a damn thing about it even though she was hovering over us all the time. So, the manger came in today, and was really nice but you could tell sort of irritated about what we did.

So pretty much the broad situation is an older, more experienced coworker knowingly watching the two new employees to something wrong, the first time they've ever done it, knowing that the new employees were doing it wrong and sort of effing up the system and that the manger would come in today and be pissed, and still not saying anything about it or even mentioning the other file.

And I'm just kinda like, what the fuck? Thanks for the help. And this is from a woman who has repeatedly chastised me for doing things "wrong" that all the other employees do, and talks to the other new girl and I like we're small dogs. And I'm wondering what the fuck happened to being a team player or being nice or helpful or even if not any of those things just doing your job right by making sure others don't fuck up the store?

GRR. If you're going to act like a fucking bossy know-it-all, at least do it when it would be helpful.

ANYWAY.

Like all jobs, this is incredibly frustrating in hundreds of tiny, menial, REALLY FUCKING STUPID ways.

I'm worried that I'm never going to be happy with anything I do, and if that is the case why don't I just do something easy that will make me a bunch of money like porn.

I'm also worried that I am waaaay too fucking sensitive and agonize over tiny little things that no one else agonizes over and as such live in a state of agitation and stress pretty much 98% of the time. Which makes life feel waaay more difficult than it should be. Sometimes I wonder what everyone else is doing right that I can't seem to do, or if everyone feels as out of wack with the world as I do.

I don't really have any reason to be in Boone anymore. I mean you know, besides Dan. When I'm with him I'm incredibly happy, but it's because when two people are in a relationship they have the capacity to build their own little world which isn't the real world at all. So, Dan makes me happy, but only fulfills one aspect of my life, when all the others are struggling.

Overall, I am not happy. And I am not happy in ways which cannot be fulfilled by other people. So, I guess as soon as I get the money, it's time to go. The things which made Boone meaningful to me -- college, the friends I made here, the period in my life, the feeling of productivity -- all those things are gone now, and while I have a wonderful relationship with someone who I love dearly, it doesn't really make up for the fact that I don't have a lot of friends, out of those I do only 1 of them do I feel really close to, and she's leaving soon anyway, I am using my degree at a dead-end job to write about golf tops for old ladies, I very rarely do something "new," and I have no real ties to the community.

I know this sounds like a "poor me" post, but... what the fuck ever.

shit shit shit.

old ladies

So today I went and took Mingus for a walk, and not 5 minutes from Dan's house I walked past an old lady on her front porch who said "EXCUSE ME! EXCUSE ME!" I looked at her and said something along the lines of "uh... yes?" and she said "Can you help me? I really need your help!" and I'm all like "uh... ok?" so I go up and I'm looking where to tie Mingus up as she's explaining to me that the lady she's taking care of (and keep in mind... THIS lady who's talking to me is like pushing 65 or 70) has fallen and her son isn't there to help get her back up. So we shut Mingus up in the mud room so he can't escape and I follow her into the house which has that same shut up, tepid sort of smell that all old people homes have, around the corner into the bathroom where this lady has fallen (the other lady did make sure she had pants on THANK GOD). She's just lying there on the floor of the bathroom with her hands on her chest and a pillow behind her back. SO, I have to help lift this other old lady (who's gotta be pushing fucking 90 at LEAST) back into her wheelchair. I have to put one foot on each side of her hips (yes, the younger old lady told me to, quote, "straddle her"), lean over, and let her lace her fingers together around the back of my neck. Then I lift with my legs and she's heavy -- I mean, for a person she's probably pretty light since she wasn't much bigger than me, but it was all dead weight, you know, like lifting up one of those big bags of dog food, and I had to sort of swing her into her chair while the other old lady sort of steered her hips in. She said the older lady's shoes must have been slick and the floor was slick so she just sort of slipped off of the toilet when she went to use the bathroom, and the younger lady's son wasn't home so they couldn't get her off the floor, and she had been lying there for an hour before I came along with Mingus and was the first person who could help. And when this older woman laced her fingers around my neck her and as I was first lifting her off the ground her face was like three inches from my face and all I could think of was the sandwich I had after work and how I had felt that there was a little piece of ham stuck in between my front teeth that I hadn't bothered to remove because who the fuck would see it but for some reason I had to say "hello" to this ancient woman and all I thought what a very strange way to meet someone. I remember looking straight into her face and how round it was and how it was like looking at a young child and how smooth the skin of her face looked though there were wrinkles at the edges of it and how it was covered in freckles and the skin itself looked frail like paper. And I thought "Oh my god am I gonna be this old am I gonna be like this?" as I lifted her up. When we got back in her chair she made the same sort of simple happy face that little kids do and then she smiled and said something but I didn't understand what she said so she said again "Who are you?" and then "Where do you live?" and I answered but I felt so awkward and all I wanted to do was get out of there so I asked if they were OK and the other lady said "Oh yes, we're fine now" so I said something about leaving and went to get Mingus and the lady thanked me and I got the fuck out of there.

I know I am writing this the same way that I write my dreams but it feels applicable because the whole experience was so surreal. I'm not sure how this fits into the symbology of my life but it's the sort of experience that's so overwhelming you know it means something even if you can't figure out what.

so many

So many things (good and bad) are happening to so many people lately. Tumultuous world! We are all tossed about like socks in a dryer, hoping not to lose our mates.

(and that's not necessarily a literal mate, either.)

My hair smells like campfire and I'm not sure why.

Dan leaves tomorrow for 5 days to go to a conference in Arizona. My insides are sadder than I think they should be.

I am scattered in a thousand different places!

complete crisis of self. and then I wonder if there's really a point to anything?

can'tsleepwon'tsleep

Today I am so tired my body doesn't feel like my own, and I am going through my morning motions as though I were a sleepwalker.

I can't remember the very beginning of it, but towards the beginning I was running through a trail. It was twilight and covered in snow, but it wasn't snowing and I don't remember being cold. It slanted up a little, and there were pine trees so close on either side I couldn't see the sky. I ran out of the end of the trail and up the long driveway of some building that was sort of on a hill. The driveway was covered in snow too, fresh snow, a couple inches of it. No one else had stepped on it. I saw Dan at the top of the hill. I can't remember exact words, but he told me our relationship was based too much on sex and he was having daydreams about having conversations with me, and didn't I see what was wrong? My heart hurt and I didn't want to listen to him, so I turned and ran back down the trail. I remember forcing myself to run as fast as I could and not look back. At one point I tripped and just lay in the snow.

**FAST FORWARD TO DIFFERENT PART OF DREAM**

I was in some gross apartment complex that was damp and dirty and sort of yellow, in the basement of it going through to the exit door to take the trail again. There was a man with a flashlight looking up into the pipes that line the wall, and a couple of girls across watching him. I don't know what they were looking for. They said something to me and I left out the side door. It was the same strange snowy twilight as the first part of the dream, and I started up the trail.

When I got to the top of the trail, it was daylight -- around noon it felt like, and I was at the top of the trail (different, this time, than before) with Gary and two other people. We gathered facing each other, making a diamond with our bags in the middle, going through our 'supplies.' A group of kids were in a line, on a field trip, to our rights. Gary and I were facing each other as we sifted through the bags. A woman walked past us, a stern light-skinned black woman with a purple skirt-suit on, and said something condescending and disapproving about Gary's bottle of whiskey, then walked back down the trail we had just come from (now significantly shorter than before). We shrugged, and I said "It doesn't matter; it's not federal land. We can have it."

**FAST FORWARD**

And then, somehow, we were in the back of this man and his two sons' old farm truck -- the kind with wooden rails up in the back, and we were traveling down a dirt road next to a field on one side and a few old houses on the other. I looked at Gary. "Do you know where we're going?" I asked him. He didn't. We stopped. I looked down the road and saw a small shape in the sky in the distance. It kept getting closer and closer and I realized it was a raspberry colored helicopter. It was coming to get us! We jumped off the truck and hid under it. We shot at it with something, but I don't know what. The old man laughed and I realized we had been kidnapped, tricked somehow. The helicopter flew in close and looked at me under the truck, as if it were a person or animal instead of a machine with someone in it. It flew off quickly, and the man was still laughing.

**FAST FORWARD**

Now we were in the house. We were gathered around on the floor while he sat and talked to us, and my cell phone suddenly rang. "I'm so sorry!" I said, as he glared at me. I got up to my backpack which was on a tall table and unzipped the front pouch. I pulled out my cell phone and tried to sneak away without being noticed. I went up a few stairs and into a big wooden room that was dusty and had no furniture but huge windows with dusty light pouring in. I put one finger to my ear and started talking into the phone to my mother. "MOM! I've been kidnapped! I don't know where I am. West Virginia? Pennsylvania?" I said, even though they both sounded wrong. She laughed and didn't believe me. I turned around and the old man was behind me in the doorway. He swiftly walked up to me.

**FAST A LITTLE FORWARD**

I was running from him, still in the house but looking for a place to hide. I ran into a smaller room which was upstairs. The only thing was a broke down camp bed near the doorway. I tried to wedge my way under it. The old man came in and immediately squatted down next to and looked under the bed. Suddenly I was in Matt's body and the bed had grown to admit the two of us under it, half-kneeling. He pinched my nipple with one hand and would not let go, as he smiled a crooked, missing-tooth smile at me, eyes slightly narrowed and crazy looking. He reached between my legs and grabbed my cock. I didn't like it. He squeezed it and told me how hard it was. I was afraid he was going to rape me.

**FAST A LITTLE FORWARD**

It was after the kidnapping. I don't know how I got back to my mom's house, but I was there with her and she was reading the paper. There was an article in it about my kidnapper; he had done the same thing to other boys and he had them captured in his house from 1959 to 1966. It said it was in Alabama. "So that's where I was," I thought. Mom still acted as if it were no big deal.

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There was a little more randomness toward the end that didn't quite follow this grand story arc.

Also, no wonder I'm exhausted when I wake up.

tarot carrot

Last night I had Christian read me my tarot cards. Now, while I'm pretty sure that I think there might be some sort of mysterious forces out there in the universe, I'm definitely not the type of person who believes psychics or horoscopes or any of those sorts of things. However, I was a little startled to see some very applicable cards come up. I don't know if it's the workings of some sort of mystical... uh... whatever, or if it was Christian and I giving them significance in light of things we've been talking about recently (I'm more likely to lean toward the interpretation). Anyway, personal beliefs (or confusion, really) aside, it definitely got waaay more personal than I was expecting it to be, and it certainly gave me some things to think about.

I've pretty much been poking around Boone not, as I think I've thought before, because I don't know what to do, but rather because I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do and I'm so terrified of failure or 'doing the wrong thing' that I prevent myself from any real action, therefore effectively (so I imagined) protecting myself from any RISK but also from new, potentially life-enhancing experiences. However, I'm not actually 'protecting' myself from anything -- regardless of any decisions I think I am making or not making, the world will continue to spiral on ceaselessly, people will continue to change, and I will still be faced with difficulties, whether I like it or not. So, perhaps I should make peace with the idea that I only have a certain amount of control over my life, but that I do have SOME control over it and if I don't UTILIZE myself to my fullest potential, I'm never going to be happy with myself.

In essence, I know I have some hard decisions to make. No, not quite. I think I have already made certain decisions, but I dreading some of the consequences of these decisions. Regarding one person in particular. I know it's silly to wish I was a little older, or he was a little younger, because we are who we are and even if those things were different there'd still be no guarantee that things would work out in the long run. There's no guarantee that if we both stay here in Boone forever we would be happy. I don't think I would be, as much as I think I would WANT to be. And I know I'm young, and we haven't been together very long, blah blah blah blah blah all that other downer shit, but I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spend the rest of my life just hanging out with than him. However, I can't let my entire being, my own aspirations and needs and desires be overridden by emotions I have for another person. People are so unpredictable that it's madness to allow your own happiness to be in the complete control of another. Besides, there's more to life than love, you know (even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes).

So, to make this tangible, I am taking great strides towards going to South Korea within the next year. Meg is being EXTREMELY helpful with this. She's in Pyeongtaeg (a little south of Seoul, near the west coast) and is definitely on board with trying to help me find placement somewhere near (I think she's a little homesick and would be excited to see a familiar face). Plus Heather has volunteered to hang out with me and let me utilize her as a research resource (since she's, you know, done this sort of thing before). So this is exciting but also very scary because it might actually be happening.

Hmm.

in other news I've been spending lots of time today tearing my own insides to pieces and questioning everything I've done up to this point and whether or not I'm a waste of human space.

omg yall

seriously. there's been, like, NO ONE in the store today. most boring day EVARRR. Plus the store owner forgot to switch over credit cards for the web hosting company, so our account is currently suspended. Which means I can't do pretty much 90% of what I was hired to do. SO. edited massive amounts of pictures in the optimism that they'll get their shit straight in the next week or so. ANYWAY WORK IS NOT MY WHOLE LIFE. *deeeeep breath*

Tomorrow I have a day off! (I think if I didn't have tomorrow off I wouldn't be so. fucking. antsy.) Tonight! Dan and I are going to the collective to make art? I am working on a new book which I am very excited about and will be a present! for someone. Therefore, there's a lot of pressure to make it perfect and beautiful, even though I know the recipient of this present won't give a shit if it's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts, y'all!!!!!

Last night Heather told me a little about her being in Korea. A very little, which has spurned me to request talkytimes with her! She said she was TOESL certified which means she made more money when she was over there. This is something I should think about, particularly if I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

Saw Gary for about 3 whole minutes yesterday. He was driving through town and left me a message around 11 while I was at work. I left him a voicemail saying I would probably miss him and then pretty much forgot about it until later. Dan and I were sitting outside eating at Tuppelos and up walks Gary and Jenny! Yay! They were on their way out of town (for serious) so essentially just pulled over on the side of the road to say "OH HAI GOODBAI!" His new dog is adorable.

Still no news on future living situation.

I think that's it? End transmission.

great success

I made it out to Jacksonville with no incident. I got here a little before 3 yesterday which must mean the roads got shorter because lord knows I wasn't speeding. *coughcough* Washed my car right after I got here, walked away for five minutes, and when I came back it was already covered in pollen. Oh, springtime on the coast... got sushi with Don and his girlfriend last night, talked about Jay-pan. Need to start saving monies...

Today! My car is being inspected, so I have no way of leaving the house just yet. I am about to go out to the garage to see if any of the (supposedly) 4 bikes we have lying around here are worth salvaging. Or at least scrapping for parts. Thinking about going to the beach later. It will only be a scant 74 degrees, but it's been a while since I've seen the ocean and I miss it.

Tonight! Nicole got a fondue pot for Christmas so we will be having a fondue party (oh hell yeah). So, when the car is retrieved, I am off to buy cheeses I can't afford! Hooray for cheese! Dan'll be so jealous when he hears! ha ha ha