talk talk talk

words have become completely unnecessary.

I have an interview at that new restaurant on King St/Poplar Grove on Wednesday.  Please god yes help me get a new job.

Today starts day one of my 40 hour 4 day weekend.  aaaaaaahhhhh.

Though in the last three days I have plunked down a solid $G in bills and still have $350 to go this month, so perhaps this is a good thing.  For now.

Bye bye, graduation money!  It was good to see you for a little while!

Also!

Dear SC&S, how come you have a $90 cleaning fee if I still have two spend 2 and a 1/2 hours scrubbing dirt out of the grout of my bathroom tile?  Poop.

Tyler is leaving very very soon and even though I am very excited for him I am still dreading his absence.

blurp. 

meow

So, I feel like I should mention, that despite my current job woes...

I am happy.

I am so so so so so so so so happy

with how things are going

in regards

to certain things.

DANG.

good things that happened today:

MATT FUCKING FINCK CALLED ME!  Hurrah!  I'm calling him back tomorrow though to talk about super secret secrets and such.  Which I think was funny, because I was going to try and call him today.  So pretty much he's one of my best friends, fo' sho'.  And I miss him like crazy but it was so so good to hear his voice again.

I learned how to change my oil!  Tyler got down and dirty with me, so the next time Dirty Debbie rolls around another 3,000 miles or so, I can do all that shit myself.  Well, if I get tools at least...

so all in all SUPER A+ DAY!

and I'm also applying to work at Daylight Donuts.  'Cause it'd be fucking HILARIOUS.

aaaaaahhhh

1.  All college prepared me for is a world that doesn't really exist.

2.  I'm losing faith that I can be the person who I was promised, as a child, I could be.

3.  I've already given into 'the man' and monetary pressures which society has trained me to think are 'big issues,' which makes me doubt I have the strength/courage necessary to lead my life in a manner which is completely true to myself and adherent to my ideals.

Wednesday

Breakfast with Tyler.

This peach nehi provided at least a half hour of entertainment.



Little Lost Cove Cliffs + N. Harpers Creek trails.




I am a fan of old houses.

Spaghetti dinner, old movie, cuddles.

nearperfectday

Tuesday

Espresso News. Mellow Mushroom with Cannon and Perry.

I started painting again.

snowdreams

last night all my dreams were about snow.  and ice.  and, for some reason, my car.

I dreamed that I was driving with Tyler in my cute little neon out to Tyler's dream-house.  He lived in the middle of nowhere in this small wooden house/cabin thing in a valley.  The ground and the sky were the same shade of off-white; it was either early morning or dusk.  There was a deep pond next to his house, and since everything was blocked by like 3 feet of snow, we had to drive over the edge of the pond to get to the house.  The ice was weak, and when we started driving over it it cracked, and my car went trunk-side first down into the water.  I could see it filling in the car around Tyler and I (the both of us, despite the cold, wearing t-shirts and shorts).  We tried rolling down the windows to swim out.  I remember looking in the car at him as the water filled up and seeing it at his waist level and rising.  We must have got out somehow, though, because I remember it being "the next morning" and looking out the window and seeing my car, trunk down and front end sticking up in the air, frozen in the ice.

I also remember, later on in the dream, trying to find my car in a parking lot which was covered in 3 feet of snow.  I was wandering around, uncovering snow from all the cars, until I finally uncovered a window which had my Rice Boy stickers on it.  I also remember at one point everyone was "sledding" everywhere, but their sleds were essentially these strange-ly shaped little pods that could move around in the snow.  Strange shapes as in cartoon octopi and starfish and stuff.

END.

post grad

So far life as a grumpy post-grad has not been too different from life as a grumpy college student.  Besides the fact that OH MY LORD MY JOB MAKES ME PAINFULLY AWARE OF MY POSTMODERN CONDITION.

Last night:  party at Emma's.  I remember sunlight before I went to sleep.  And then I got up a scant three hours later and had about 4 shots in my coffee, which was probably why I wanted to throw up all over Melanie's after a poor breakfast decision of eggs benedict.  Drunk + Hollandaise Sauce = bad news bears, y'all.  Apparently I sent some people text messages around 3 in the morning.  The only reason I know this is because I found them in my 'outbox' while going through my phone tonight.  Whoops.

I am applying for a job and an internship in NYC this week.  Just for kicks.  I have no confidence that I will actually receive the positions I'm applying for, but but but.  There's always a 'but.'

IN OTHER THOUGHTS:

So sometimes you think you're sure about something.

And then something happens.

And you're not so sure anymore.

Obsess!  Obsess!  Obsess!

I AM GRADUATE

I graduated college today, woooo! BA in English, useful!

I feel like all I've done for the last 24 hours is eat and sit. grooooossss!

Too much family time though. My grandparents are old and completely clueless. But my Uncle (whom I haven't seen in around 10 years) is fucking hilarious. I'm really glad people came though. It's funny to actually feel like I have "family." Funny as in weird.

BUT BUT BUT Don got me a new computer! Holy crap! MacBook! Goodbye ghetto-rigged falling apart Dell, you've served me well, but I'm leaving you for a younger, sexier, much lighter, actual working computer.

It's nice to know that even though my "real" dad sucks, I still have a real dad. Know what I'm saying?

Anyway.

I was freaking out, but I'm now I'm strangely optimistic.

foodstuffs

lately lately lately

egg bake thing. like a quiche, but no crust. roast chicken + mushrooms + peppers + zucchini, with basil and garlic goat cheese and bay leaves. mmmmm. This was one of those "I wonder what happens when I cook this like THIS" things. Really I was just too lazy to make a crust.


cookies for visual book show. snickerdoodles, butterscotch cinnamon, chocolate butterscotch.

SO
I feel like I'm at that point in a relationship with someone
where I get really really really self-conscious
and paranoid
and convince myself that the other person doesn't really like me
because they have a bad day one day
even if it has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
even if THEY TELL ME it has nothing to do with me
I still feel like I should be able to make them feel 100% better
and if I can't
there's something intrinsically wrong with me
or my personality
and that I'm a big fat failure.

so I need to take a deep breath
and reassure myself that I'm probably *not* a big fat failure
and that he probably *does* like me
and I need to tell myself
to STOP BEING SO FUCKING PARANOID
all the time.

yes.

.............

thumbs way down

This Old House

Yesterday.
Breakfast with Tyler at Grandview Restaurant. Best sweet potato pancakes ever. Staring contests. Reassurance.
Chinquapin Ridge. Nat King Cole.
Rain. Drive out to Bethel. Cliff's old house. Colors. Pictures.
Quiche. Too much wine. Movie. Cuddles. Goodbye kiss.

These are all good things.

sad summer

So the last few days haven't been all the great for me, emotionally.

I'm in graduation panic mode. For example, my thoughts last night:

"Oh god everyone is leaving Boone why did I decide to stay here? all my friends are going off into the world and doing great fantastic things and becoming real people and I am just a chicken shit so I am just staying in town working a shitty job when I should be going out finding new opportunities but I'm not even sure if I am going to have real opportunities because I have what is essentially a useless degree and I already get lonely now so I'm going to be REALLY lonely because everyone is not going to be here and I'm going to miss them so much and what am I doing with myself? I am letting my youth pass me by I am stagnating I am lacking progress I am essentially a useless scaredy cat of a human being who can't get anything done because I feel utter panic at wasting my life but at the same time a crippling sense of perfectionism and fear of failure that does not allow me to accept scary and strange challenges."

If Matt were here, he would tell me I was thinking too much. Here's how it would probably go:
me: ramble ramble ramble anxiety! anxiety! aahah!
Matt: STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. You're thinking to much.
me: but but but
Matt: STOP IT.
This would occur at Murphy's, where we would be "stopping by for a beer" after running into e each other at the library at 11:00pm on a Tuesday night, and where "a beer" would turn into 2 pitchers and me sleeping on Matt's couch.

I have a month until I move into my new apartment. In my mind, that seems like the "official" beginning of life-after-college. So I guess I need to use the next month to TAKE A FUCKING BREATH, pack, save some money, and try not to freak the fuck out about things I can't control right now.

So essentially I'm just trying to convince myself to delay all my problems until moving, which seems like some sort of all-problem-solving event, as in "oh, I'll have my own little apartment in town and there will be people around and I can skip down King street and hang out in espresso and see people!" when really I'll probably feel the same, just with less quiet.

Hmm.

On the other hand, work doesn't suck quite as bad as I thought it would (and still think it will in the future). I've gone into the office at TR for a few hours over the last few days, learning all the stuff that I, as the receptionist, will be doing. I think the hardest part will be learning which department I need to refer callers to, depending on their questions. Yesterday I spent four hours typing up donation responses, stuffing envelopes, and updating databases. Easy peasy.