vomit

I keep doing and saying things that I know I shouldn't be doing or saying but I am doing and saying them anyway.

um.....good!!!

I went with Dan when he delivered more papers today out in Banner Elk/Newland. Unfortunately, Christa's was closed, so our bellies were not filled with delicious sandwiches from the heavens. However, this sign provided much amusement:

futurger

Article on Time about JD Salinger's death:

"By the time he published that story, in 1953, Salinger had found his own sort of yogi's retreat, the small house in Cornish, N.H. When he first took it on it had no heat, electricity or running water. But it rested on 90 hillside acres that could insulate him from an outside world he found increasingly trivial, irrelevant and intrusive. For a while he mixed comfortably with his neighbors. But then a couple of teenage girls interviewed him for what he thought would be a story on the high school page of the local paper. When the paper billed it instead as a scoop in its regular pages, Salinger was furious. It was the last interview he ever gave. Not long after he built a high wall around his house."

hahaha. Me in 20 years, give or take the literary prestige.

good morning

True to form, the maintenance men have decided that 7:30 am is the perfect time to use fucking pickaxes to dig up the ground outside my apartment. Right outside -- as in it sounds like they keep hitting my screen door with their shovels. Thanks guys! This stays right in line with the barging-into-my-apartment-at-all-hours-looking-for-mysterious-leaks. Blah.

In less angsty news, I got a job! OH CHRIST YES! I will be working for one of the ladystores down in Banner Elk. I'll be doing salesperson stuff (which, I have to admit -- I kind of miss working clothing) in addition to taking photos of merchandise and updating their facebook, twitter, online newsletter, and website content (it doesn't appear their website has been updated since late 2008). Yeah. So, like, stuff that I can actually put on my resume! New Media experience here I fucking come! The ladies who work there all seem pretty nice -- well, the store manager seems a little 'stern', but since I usually don't fuck around I think we'll get along smoothly. Even though they're all, you know, 30-40 years older than me, ha ha. Old ladies just think I'm adorable!

It's only part time right now, until the girl who I'm replacing goes to Alaska (mid-March), but it's 25 hr/week part-time, at a rate I can live off of if I don't go crazy next month. HOORAY! I DON'T HAVE TO GET FOOD STAMPS! I also might be able to still work at the bagel place until I go full time, considering that, even with my open schedule right now, they only work me two days a week (harrumph).

So yeah. I'm feeling a shit ton more upbeat. Today is a day off which I fully intend on enjoying because I don't have to go on any more fruitless fucking job searches. This most likely means: working on paintings, schmoozing around Espresso, watching more of the Yves Saint Laurent documentary on netflix, making jewelry, and baking. yessssssss.

tween

The past week or so has made me conclude that I am both (a) way too old and (b) way too young for this town.

Went to the 641 RPM show last night and was one of three people drinking a beer. Because I was one of about three people who were old enough to actually *purchase* and legally *consume* beer. Hmm. Hence thought "a." However, a joke from Travis sparks thought "b": "Must be strange to you, being one of the oldest people in the room."

Not that I find it particularly offensive. But the above, combined with Dan's absence this weekend, just further emphasizes my feeling of not belonging in this town. The majority of my close friends and those who I would consider my "peers" have left town. Remaining are those younger than me, only one who I find myself still associating with on a regular basis (Amanda), those incredibly younger than me who I would feel completely weird about hanging out with (thought "a"), and the older Espresso/Saloon crowd who, though I know and talk to a little bit, I don't overwhelmingly relate to. I don't know. I feel like everyone is on an adventure, is taking a break in between their adventures, or have already had their share of adventures, and I am still sitting here in my apartment, alone, afraid to do anything. Pair this with other complications that I will not digress into via the interwebs, and I feel particularly stunted.

Of course, I am also completely lacking direction. I applied to a few jobs with Americorps, but I'm not convinced that's something I want to do. Help people/the world, in a general sense, but be employed by the government and, essentially, just another instrument of bureaucracy? Grad school doesn't seem like a viable option either, since I don't really know what I want to study, and would probably fall into the same trap I did at App - major in something you think you like because you don't know what else to do. I wish I would have explored my options more. I probably would have ended up in technical photography or computer/web programming.

Essentially, I am floundering financially and failing to fully realize my self-identity

Blerg.

I don't know shit about shit y'all.

Aya Takano

Japanese artist Aya Takano

(Sommer, I thought you might like these.)

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

I've been trying to keep this in mind so I do stuff.

So, it appears the bagel place has decided I will only be working about two four-hour shifts every week. YIKES! At least that's been the trend. I did get paid today though, a little more than I thought I would (thank god). However, new classifieds come out today. I WILL be able to pay my rent on the first. But almost my entire savings are gone... gross. I have about a month to find a full time job (or several part time jobs) before my entire life as I know it implodes. Have I mentioned how stupid I feel for having signed this current lease? Yuck. I'm not making another housing decision until April. And that one will DEFINITELY be less expensive. Harrumph.

This whole job thing is stressing me out to the point where I am feeling bad about myself and ergo trying to have others reinforce my self worth. WHICH, as I know from past experiences, is a BAD thing. When one defines oneself via the thoughts or ideas imposed upon them by another, one inevitably loses oneself. That's not to say we can't all learn from each other, grow as people, etc.; it just means that I can't allow others to tell me who I am because I am doubting myself. Gah. Does that make sense? Whatever.

Essentially what this boils down to is that I'm crazy about my duck but am in a state of extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem which I am afraid I am allowing to rub off on our relationship and seek comfort and reinforcement from him though I want him as my boyfriend and not counselor. AAAHH! SOOOO! Here are steps I am GOING TO TAKE (a.k.a. dear Summer, stop pussyfooting around and use all this precious time to your self productively) to prevent such situation:

1. Apply to all the jobs for which I'm qualified that came out in the paper today

2. For the love of cheezus, do more art. Particularly, finish paintings of Gary and Dan

a. Also! Work on drawing people's bodies

iii. that shit is hard, y'all

3. Apply for some internships for this summer. Expand my horizons!

4. Learn Dreamweaver

5. Maybe hang out more with more people?

a. I think I might just be hardwired to spend time by myself. Does this lead to too much INTROSPECTION? I dunno.

6. When I get money again, sign up for WWOOF and find somewhere south of the ecuador who will take me for next winter so I don't have to be cold.

H'OKAY? H'OKAY!

direire

This job situation is ridiculous. FINALLY going back in to work after having the last FOUR days off... blerg. First paycheck Wednesday. Well, $100 is better than a punch in the face, I guess... Unfortunately, rent time is sneaking up on me, AND HOW! I hope I get a job (or even just an interview, sheesh) soon. I like paying my rent and not having to worry on the 2nd about what's gonna happen the next time the 1st rolls around.

The last few days I've felt pretty shitty. Probably because I've accomplished... eh, nothing particularly constructive. Just more applications.

This whole 'early 20-something, liminal state' thing sucks balls. SRSLY.

ffffffuhriday

1. Have found a parking spot for my car. yeeessss. Dan's friend is letting me rent a spot in her driveway, about a 15-18 min walk from my apt. And like 3 mins from his house. niiiiice.

2. Applied to FOUR more jobs; 2 secretary/receptionist/blahblah, 1 office manager, 1 with WYN which I think would be pretty damn swell. I wrote a really heartfelt cover letter and whatnot. Hooray for after school programs!

3. Bagels... eh. I only was on schedule for 2 days this week. They said they'd "let me know" when they needed me to come in again. Blerg. I think they're just waiting for their visit from the health inspector and are afraid if I am there I will do something stupid. So, health inspector, please come soon so I can work. Kthnx.

4. Mom bought a house in Wilson, which makes the drive out to her place about 30=45 minutes less. It's her "10 year" house -- she has 10 years until she retires, and her current job is going to eventually be moved to Raleigh, or if she gets promoted she will be working in Raleigh, so she figured she might as well just buy a damn house. It's really cute and sits on about an acre of land and is zoned within county but not city limits so she can get chickens. CUTE! Also! It's only an hour from the statewide flea market in Raleigh, so we've been discussing going one weekend and getting a spot. Which means I'm going to be using some of this not-working time to build up some stock and such. MAKING THINGS IS NEAT, WOOO!

5. Kristi sent me a care package with all sorts of neat paper goods and candy and a flower I can grow. I felt pretty special. Working on some mail art for her.

6. I am ridiculously stupid fucking happy relationship-wise. Borderline retarded. It's pretty disgusting but I like it.

7. Also broke. But trying to fix that.

8. I like lists!

9. Applying for Americorps jobs, looking into WWOOF, trying to find some volunteer abroad opportunities that don't cost me a million dollars, etc. I think I want to get out of Boone; not for forever, but for a bit. Of course #6 greatly complicates that.

10. It just felt right to end on 10. Have a good day y'all.

bagels

Today was my third day at my thrilling, illustrious new job as a bagel-maker. All sarcasm aside, I really enjoy it. Everyone I've worked with has been incredibly friendly, and no one has gotten outraged with my lack of mad food service skillz. Today my boss said I was a "good fit," and turning out to be a "really good cook." HUZZAH! I suck at taking orders though, because I still have hardly any clue WTF we actually have, since there's like 3498343987 different kinds of bagels, spreads, etc. But I'm getting better! Woo!

I need to find a new parking spot soon. The house through which I was renting a spot evidently has no snow-removal plans, making it scary and near impossible to park where I was previously parking. Also, the recent downtown towing has made me incredibly paranoid to park overnight on King street anymore. SO, anyone know of someone who'd be willing to let me park my neon in their driveway for some extra moneymoneymoney?

I need to think of two very nice things to do for two people who have been very nice to me lately. I mean, these people are nice to me ANYWAY, because, you know, they like me I guess, but that means I want to be nice to them toooooo. nicenicenicenicenice.

Tonight! Hanging out with Dan at the collective. Mmmmmm, (he)art chunks.

YO DAWG

http://yoyodawgdawg.com/2/yo-dawg-yo-yos

young ass

"Now, I don't want to hold the fact that you're only 22 against you, but..."

I'm getting REAL sick of Boone's whole Age-ism thing. I may be only 22, but I give work hard, give a shit, and come with glowing references. Doesn't that mean anything?

... well, apparently only to part-time, minimum wage jobs. I start training at Mtn Bagels tomorrow. I mean... it's something, right? Not something that will pay my bills... but something to make me feel a little less like an unemployable loser?

New classifieds Wednesday.

I keep telling myself just to sit back, breath, and work as hard as I can at this to make myself an opportunity.

Also! Don't let stress about this overlap into PERFECTLY FINE personal relationships.

OH, NEUROSES!

(However, I did have the pleasure of an epic-ly long telephone conversation with Mr. Finck, in which I rambled while he nic-fitted, and we both {hopefully} managed to distract ourselves from ourselves {a lil bit} to the overall benefit of our respected well-beings.)

(ALSO! Stress eating like a muthafucka.)

new year

SO! The holidays are now over, and as such the really cold, depressing, shitty part of winter where there's nothing to look forward to shall commence. Hurrah!

Today I went in to Mountain Bagels to apply for a position as a sandwich maker. While there, Will from Beanstalk came in, and, upon learning I was applying, vouched for me to the owner. Perhaps I will get a call in a day or two. And an interview. And a job? Huzzah!

Yesterday was awful awful awful. Didn't get up until noon, which definitely threw the day off. The weather sucked. Dan and I went out for lunch (pizza, being one of the only places open -- ODB, wtf?), got cold medicine, gave up any vague notions of going to the studio, and instead returned to the safe womb of his house, where we made sweet potatoes and I went a little manic-crazy because of ridiculous stress-related thoughts. I'm a little embarrassed about that, but he dealt with it pretty admirably.

For the rest of the day! I am half-assed cleaning my apartment some more. It's been a mess for the past 2 or 3 weeks, but I have not been here for any significant amounts of time (indeed, the four hours I've been here this morning probably amount for the most substantial time spent here since before Christmas) so I haven't really gotten anything done. I am a big lazy bum who hates cleaning and is unable to throw away even the most mundane of objects. Gross!

coffeesoon? coffeesoon.