take backs?

gyeongbuk palace
Originally uploaded by shboom

This is the part where I feel really fucking stupid about the rant I did in my last post. Uh, sorry. Yeah.

This is also the part where I say that I fly into Seoul on August 18th and will officially be a teacher in the province of Gyeongbuk for year. The average temperature is around 60 degrees, there are six national parks, and it looks like this:

one more time

And another day has passed with not even the whisper of a contact from Korea. I sent another email yesterday that was very similar to the first and essentially said "Uh... ya know.... the program's starting in a coupla weeks... just wonderin' if I have a job..." No reply, of course. Of course.

My stress has got me moving in waves. I gravitate between letting it all wash around me like the waves in some overbearing ocean over which I have no control (very zen-like, I assure you) to all out stress and panic. I am going to be unemployed... again. I am going to be homeless.

I am going to be fucking stuck in North Carolina for the rest of my goddamn life.

So, I guess if this is the big fat fucking failure it is turning out to be, this might be the following course of action:

* Still go back to Boone in a couple of days

* Still go visit mom for a couple of days

* Babysit the house in Jacksonville for two weeks while my stepdad's girlfriend is in Albuquerque with him helping work on this new house. Apply for jobs, etc.

* Move back in with my mom and remain a failure for the rest of my life.

I can't begin to describe the way I feel. Hurt, angry, confused, letdown. Angry, maybe. Take the right classes, get the grades, do every fucking extracurricular in addition to getting a job so you can get into the right college, who will accept you and then not give you any financial aid to cover $40k/year tuition. Go to an affordable in-state school that no one's ever heard of until they start winning fucking football championships, take 18 goddamn credits a semester to graduate on time, write the essays, get the grades, have a job the entire time, turn down parties, trips, every fun thing in your fucking life to graduate with fucking HONORS so that when you graduate, you can work shitty jobs barely above minimum wage and be treated like a fucking dog.

A lot of people say a lot of shitty things about my generation. Well, here's how I think about it:

We've all been raised with the ingrained belief that if we work hard enough, or "do the right thing," then our efforts will pay off. Instead, we've been thrust into a society full of cheats, liars, financial bailouts for major corporations while the government shits on individuals, presidents who dare to pander to our youth and optimism in order to grab a vote for promises they fail (and not reluctantly) to uphold. We've been referred to as the "lollipop generation" -- demanding things and expecting to give nothing in return. And what are we guilty of demanding? Pay that will allow us to fucking VISIT THE GODDAMN DOCTOR and a job that doesn't involve slowly losing our soul over the course of a lifetime. My generation is full of intelligent, highly symp/empathetic, creative people who are constantly met with refusal. We have both the tools and the desire to do things, beautiful things, yet our society refuses to acknowledge that we are useful or even necessary, past being a source of cheap labor for the privileged.

Do I even know what the fuck I am talking about? Is it possible to know? I don't know.

I am very frustrated right now.

more stress!

Korea has had my documents for about a week and a half, according to the USPS web tracking, and I still have yet to hear anything from the program. Sunday night (monday morning there) I sent an email inquiring as to whether or not the coordinator physically received my documents (because I know they were delivered to the building, if not directly to her). No reply. I am hoping she's just waiting to say something because I am getting placed, and she doesn't want to have to send two emails; however, I have been reading things on facebook and message boards and such about other people who say they have been wait-listed. One recruitment site said that just because they offer you a job doesn't necessarily mean you get one; so, theoretically, until I have a contract in my hands, there's no real way of knowing if I am actually going to get placed.

I REALLY WISH THEY WOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT ON THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE.

So now, because of Mr. I Don't Know How to Correctly Notarize Documents, I could be wait-listed or, even worse, not get a position at all.

In which case, I will have no job, and as of August 15th no place to live.

Grrrrreeeeeaaaaaatttt.

In which case, I guess since they have all my documents I will request that they place me for their March 2011 school start. And then I will have to figure out what to do for the next seven to eight months. My stepdad is moving to Albuquerque, and my mom's boyfriend's daughter is moving into their house, so I can't really crash with the rents to save money or anything. So I guess it is find a place here until February, or...

Well, I just don't really know right now.

My intent is not to dwell too much on it, since I literally am powerless at this point (ball is in your court, Korea). But I think perhaps I need to start making some backup plans.

Yeah.

ugh

Last night I dreamed I was in a house that got sucked up inside a giant tornado. I looked out the window and saw the entire world swirling around me while I stood inside, powerless.

I is so terrified, so excite!

Right now I am at my mom's new house in Wilson, which I like better than her old apartment because we have more spaaaccceee and are not all on top of one another. Right now she is at work but she is taking a half day so we can get lunch (probably chicken mcnuggets, mmmm) and then hang out just the two of us. Maybe go look for plug adapters at Wally World, though my laptop should be good up to 240 volts, so I won't need a transformer. Thanks, MacBook!

Le Schedule Tentatif:

Back in town the morning of Monday, July 12th. I think I work Tues - Sat. Then I work four or five days the week after that. Then!!!

Saturday, July 24th - last day of work!

Sunday or Monday the 25th or 26th - drive out to Jacksonville. See old friends, stepdad, etc.

Thursday, July 29th - drive back to Boone

Friday, July 30th - FIREWORKS NIGHT at the ASHEVILLE TOURISTS! My final American baseball game! *sniffsniff*

August 1st - 8th - See/do everything I want to in Boone before I leave. This will include much time with my Dan.

tentatively Sunday, August 8th - Summer's 23rd birthday Party Pajamma Jammy Jam. Interpretation: staying up all night with (hopefully) Dan, Travis, Christian, Caitlin, maybe Comfy Time Carroll, watching scary movies (Poltergeist, Alien, etc.) and eating junk food like Pizza Muffins and Cupcakes. A GOOD TIME.

August 10th - Say goodbye to Boone. Weep. Weep weep weep. Feel as though my heart is getting shoved through a thresher but know that I cannot grow as a person unless I find new challenges for myself. Drive to mom's in Wilson.

August 14th - fly out of Raleigh

August 15th - fly into Seoul, therefore beginning the next chapter in my life of which I am deeply terrified yet also stupidly excited.

Somewhere in there I get my contract and need to get my visa. Have the passport though.

I am a big ball of emotion right now, so if you see me and I suddenly stop talking or start crying that is why, though I am keeping that in check for right now. I keep rationalizing this move and even though I am so ridiculously excited the thought of leaving Boone, where granted I have not been as long as other people but in my moved-around military brat life 5 years is substantial, especially considering this is the place where I've really started forming my adult identity, still makes me sad.

Wrapped up in all of this two is relationship woes. Dan and I aren't really going to "be" anything while I'm away. We're both just "seeing how it goes" I suppose. I'll be gone longer than we've even been together (7 months since our first kiss on Sunday. Yes, I know this. Yes, cheeseball). I'm crazy about him and I don't want to admit to myself that things can't work out with him. But I think I also don't want to admit to myself that this experience will undoubtedly impart huge changes upon me, and I might not even want to come back to Boone at the end of the year. But, if I stay, would we really stay together?

I hate that we're both realists. I tease him all the time. "If you like it then you should put a ring on it." But we both know that's not gonna happen. I want to shake him and be like "OH MY GOD CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE A CHANCE AND SAY YOU LOVE ME AND CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME?" but at the same time is it healthy for me to put aside all the cool things I could do to have him, yes, but not have a good job or a real place to live or my own life really? I'm not sure I've mastered the art of saving myself while in a relationship. And it's not really fair to him. He's 15 years ahead of me in this game, and if I'm not ready to settle down yet how is it right for me to tell him he has to wait even longer?

I don't know a lot of things.

In essence, everything about my life right now is bittersweet. I can't even conceive of what Korea will be like nor that it will be my home for the next year. I don't think it will hit me until I land.