and also

http://streetbonersandtvcarnage.com/blog/the-blowjob-boycott/

oh shit oh shit oh shit

So I'm sort of stumped.

I've -- very literally, very seriously -- had everything in my life planned up until May 10th, as far as "major occupation of time/life."

And that is all about to be over.

And I am fucking panicking.

And I want someone to make all my hard decisions for me so I don't have to. Or a big hole to come and swallow me up.

Because I am so. fucking. scared.

Of doing something wrong. Or fucking my life up. Or choosing the wrong opportunity and missing out on what I'm "supposed" to be doing.

Assuming the universe has some "grand plans" for me anyway, or "true callings" actually exist.

Thinking about it gives me a stomach ache.

Ugh.

I wish a certain someone was here to make me feel better. (And then again, I wish I didn't wish that. Oh, dependence! That path only leads to disappointment.)

So pretty much.

I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like it's all going WRONG. And then I feel like a pussy for panicking, because lord knows people have undergone major life changes before, and lived to tell the tale.

Anyway.

END SELF-INDULGENT PITY RAMBLE.

nah nah nah

Had a really really really really really great weekend.

Friday I went out to Espresso to do some work, where I ran into Perry and Cannon. Had lunch with them at Sunrise. THEN Hebron with the lovely red house boys/ladies. It was completely frat-boy and Watauga High overload though, but pleasant nonetheless. Afterwards Kristi and I drove out to the Kilwin's in Blowing Rock for ice cream and sat on a bench under their awning talking in the rain. Gooood neeeews.

I'm really glad I've been getting a little bit of one-on-one time lately with the people who have been most important to me over the last four years, especially because we're all leaving. Yeah, I know it's not going to be forever until we all see each other again, but it's never going to be as frequent or easy as it is now. I just want everyone to know how much I really do love and appreciate them.

Finally went grocery shopping on Saturday, and I got a free hot dog because it was college day, w00t! I've been eating more and more hot dogs lately. Yes, hot dogs are gross. But so goddamn delicious. Tyler had a party at which I got pretty silly, but definitely not as silly as others, so yay for drunken prudence. I got to hang out with Tyler's brother and his friends who were in town, all of whom I really really like.

Yesterday we ate at YE OLDE HAM SHOPPE for the first time. Holy crap that sandwich was probably one of the most delicious things I've eaten in Boone. It was kinda pricey but worth it for fresh produce. Later (after a three hour, much needed nap) I went out to Tyler's new place in Seven Devils, where we made burgers and brats, mmmm.

My heart is all a-flutter. I love spring.

GOALS FOR THE NEXT 12 MONTHS

* take the GRE
* take the GRE again if I do really poorly
* research more MFA programs
* prepare manuscripts for possible MFA programs -- creative non-fiction AND poetry
* start literary/art magazine (at least the web presence part)
* start Jacksonville manuscript

**** If anyone is interested in helping with the creation of a NON-HIERARCHICAL literary/arts print/online magazine, please email me (gogosummer@gmail.com) ****

Also: cookies and Nasty Nancy

Tyler got me a FOOD PROCESSOR! I am beyond thrilled about this. I have named her NASTY NANCY.


Chocolate peanut butter butterscotch chip cookies. Next time the powered sugar is going through a sifter to make them prettier, ha ha. Delicious.

we look like a band

can I tell you that you are the purple in me?

Wonderful weekend. I spent four hours at Espresso friday working on my Maya/Guatamala/language stuff. I think I may have had a breakthrough. Which is good, considering the presentation is Tuesday. My 'epiphany moment' apparently was reflected on my face so well that a man coming out of the door at exactly the same time I had a breakthrough commented upon how "cool" it was to "watch someone have an idea" or something like that. I thought that was a cute thing to say.

Saturday was great great great. I made Ben and Chris dress up as Fraggles for my photo project. The photos are awful. I really don't give a shit. THEN we visited Evan at Boone Comicon. I am SO VERY PROUD of that boy. I get excited when my friends do creative things, and even more excited when other people get excited about those creative things to. You should all read Rice Boy and the Order of Tales if you haven't already. SO GOOD.

Then OMG RED HOUSE COOKOOOUUTT! I made giant potato salad. The salad was giant, not the potatos. We grilled weenies over the roaring fire while David Bowie blasted through the living room window. Them boyz haz got speakerz, yo.

Gary is the fire master. He is super serious about building fires and being the only one able to do it correctly.

Today was cloudy and started out with me feeling really useful and generally not well. However, the Ginger came over and we hung out for a bit and went out to see his new house in Seven Devils. His road is very windy. I will not be visiting in the snow.

Also! I have a secret. A big secret. A secret that I am holding in the cavern of my cupped palms like an exotic butterfly. I am smiling just thinking about it. And feeling foolish. But really really really happy.

THIS WEEK: presentation, fraggle photo, interview, stop asking myself 'what do I want to do?' and instead start asking myself 'how do I want to life?'

free radicals

I have spent four out of the last six nights drunk. This is probably not good for my liver/body in general. So, today -- no drinking! lots of water! uh... antioxidants to battle all those free radicals!

Monday Emma convinced me to go out to the Saloon with her and Lisa. We did Irish car bombs. Oh my lord the drunk.

Tuesdays was probably the last Matty Matt Murphy's night, something which I will miss terribly. Matt and I go to Murphy's, split a few pitchers, and talk brutally honestly about everything and ourselves. He's one of the only people on the planet I can do that with, and that I feel I can say absolutely anything to without getting censure. It's good for the soul.

Last night EM called me to go hang out at the Saloon. I really like that man. I can't believe he is as old as he actually is either. For some reason everyone I know in Boone who is in their early thirties is incredibly, incredibly attractive. Perhaps it is this fresh mountain air? Perhaps. I got Tyler's friends to dance country with me. It mainly involved them knowing what they were doing and me getting thrown around, but in a very fun sort of way. Oh, and Tyler is back in town. I feel stupid for how glad I am of that.

PS: I hope I didn't disturb you and your wings.

TODAY: researching book structures, poetry class, researching the Maya, English dept. dinner with Joyce Dyer, author reading.

Hoppy Eggster

Holidays with the family was... a trial, as per usual. I feel like when I look at my mom, I see my own flaws reflected back at me to the n^th degree. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. She is one of those people that has a tendency to turn every conversation back on herself. I think I do that too sometimes. I'm working on not doing that. I know she loves me and cares about me though. I don't think she has a lot of people to really talk to, so I pretty much just sat back from two days and took every thought that popped into her head.

I think it's funny how my brother and I have shifted roles -- he's now the optimist, and I'm bitter. ha ha ha.

I made pineapple upside down cake, which my mom and even my brother liked. yay.

Friday night was probably the best night of my life. It just reaffirmed how much I love my friends, and how much I am going to violently miss Matt when he leaves. dang.

it'll be ok

All I want is a little job and my own shitty little apartment and my own little life.

(I hate feeling bad because I can't accomplish this, especially because I know it is SUCH A SMALL THING TO WANT OUT OF LIFE but for some reason I CAN'T SEEM TO DO IT.)

I keep telling myself that just because I can't get a job doesn't mean there's something inherently wrong with me; maybe I just haven't applied to the right one. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I shouldn't stay in Boone. Maybe I'll get a phone call on Tuesday from Appnet telling me that they think I'm perfect for the position, and can I come in Wednesday to start?

or not. or I'll have to give up my lease, stay here until August if I can afford to, and then move back to either Greenville to live with Mom or Jacksonville to live with Don, and feel like a big fat fucking failure.

schmaplications

Today I applied for three more jobs:

#1 Part-time babysitter for spoiled college kids' living community clubhouse. Better than unemployment.

#2 Mystery full-time personal assistant job. Very little details were given in the ad. I'm hoping it's not some strange sex-trafficking trick, designed to lure me into a deserted Boone warehouse and harvest me for my young, supple, carnal treasure. However, it mentioned health and dental benefits, so it might be worth it.

#3 Live in child caretaker for Grandfather Home. It would be 5 days on, 5 days off, living with formerly-abused children. A little out of my comfort and experience zone, but it would be an experience, PLUS beneficial to the world as a whole. And I like kids. And it would be good for me to challenge myself in a new environment.

I also did a little bit of homework, took more medicine, and hide inside my house all day long. I continue to repeat this cycle until tomorrow morning, when I (a little reluctantly, I'll admit it) thrust myself back into the real world.

nuh nuh nuh

I am too hopped up on cold meds to determine whether or not my interview this morning went well. I hope it did, though I know I did not show off my usual sparkling self. This might be a good thing, though. I had to do a short proofreading test. I'm hoping to get hired based on my skills, straight-out-of-college enthusiasm for real work experience, and very low salary requirements. They're finishing interviews this week; keep your fingers crossed for me.

If I had to pick one two-word phrase to describe yesterday, it would be "awesomely pleasant." Tyler took me to Melanie's for brunch, mmm. The quiche was so-so (I would have liked a little more spice), but as always the homefries were excellent, and we got to sit on the front porch and enjoy the sunshine. Afterwards we went out to his friend Bink's house -- about 40 minutes from downtown Boone, 30 of which snake down seldom-marked gravel roads into an abyss in the middle of the wilderness. We went on a hike to the creek, which involved a sharp descent aided by a rope which looked like some wild animal had been chewing on it. Tyler saved Jim, arguably the world's dumbest dog, from drowning.

He also let me shoot his pistol, which, barbaric as it sounds, was incredibly fun. The only other person I've ever been shooting with is my brother, and that hasn't been in a while. As always, even though I've done it before I'm always a little nervous starting to shoot again. There's a certain amount of respect that must always be shown towards a firearm, and even though you get more comfortable with guns as you spend more time with them, you never forget that respect. I'm learning that I'm a much better aim than I give myself credit for, and with more practice I'll probably be a pretty bad-ass shot. Yee-haw, y'all.

And now, illness has descended like so many grey clouds upon the sunshine of my life, ha ha. It's not that bad, but since the temperature has dipped down into the 30s again I feel that it's really in my best interests just to stay home today. I am hopped hopped hopped up on DayQuil, y'all, and intend on staying that way.

It's a real bad time for me to be sick. I hope by taking the day off, shoving myself full of medicines, oranges, and a shit ton of sleep, I can do a super-quick illness purge and be noticably better by tomorrow, as opposed to drawing out a half-cold for weeks due to poor self-care.

THAT IS ALL.

sold my red horse for a venture home

Last night: art expo, hannah's show, then dogsitting with Kristi at her art professor's house (which is the coolest house with the coolest dog in the coolest spot ever). I don't even like dogs that much, but this one is the wriggliest, most adorable big eyed basset hound I've ever seen. I just want to give her kisses all over her big flopsy ears. Then I brought the Ginger a flower.

Today: * research for Mayan paper (which is due in like a week and a half, which I've done pretty much no research on, but it only has to be about 15 pages, which any other time would have freaked me out but I think I can do this).
* clean living room. we are ladybug central, and it is NOT cute
* chocolate/butterscotch cookies and peanut butter/butterscotch tarts
* GO OUTSIDE IN THE WARM SUNSHINE (reserved for when it gets about 41 degrees, so not now)
* write write write
* see Ginger

I had more Gary dreams last night. We were having sex, but not in that hot dream sex sort of way, just in a "this is what we do," psuedo-dreamland comforting sort of way. I don't know. Last night I told him I thought he was having some sort of psychological regression considering his recent black out behavior, ha ha ha.

frankly, my dear...

He still refuses to divulge information.

But I've thought about it, and really, supposing I WAS said topic, and awful things WERE said, I'm pretty sure I can speculate WHO said it, and they are probably someone who I haven't spoken with in a while.

So really, none of this matters, because I have friends and family that love me, professors that respect me, and (possibly) have an interview for what may be a big-girl job early next week.

I'm also a good cook, baker, getting to be a better writer, I know how to check all the fluids on my car, I can sew, paint, make neat jewelry, and I'm not afraid to dance in public.

I'm also not afraid to take a chance and meet new people (something which Matt said he really admire about me, which I thought was really nice).
Though it has a tendency to blow up in my face.
Whatever.

(but I'm not gonna pretend like my feelings still aren't a little speculatively hurt. I just don't understand people.)

smack talkin'

so apparently...

somebody...

may be smack talkin' me...

more investigation shall commence. I probably shouldn't be too presumptuous with the idea of someone smack talkin' though. All I know is A. someone was talking about (a) summer (though not necessarily THIS summer, I suppose B. they are somehow connected to a local band who recently did/is performing in Chapel Hill and C. the person who mentioned this to me still has yet to reveal complete details, but said they were "hoping they weren't overstepping their boundaries" and is "trying to look out for me."

Which leads me to
A. wonder what exactly this is all about?
B. put forth a bunch of speculations in my head, including a mental inventory of all the bands I know and who may have Chapel Hill shows
C. guess what they said
D. wonder why the fuck if someone has something to say, they don't just say it to my fucking face (which I shall do if I figure this enigma out -- ie say it to THEIR face, not MY OWN face)
E. give myself an ulcer
F. lose even more faith in humanity as a whole

so pretty much
I'm curious stan in curious land

ON ANOTHER NOTE: I made some kick ass barbecue ribs and citrus rice last night. mmm!

COCO AVANT CHANEL

mmmm... yes I think.

yes.