“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

I've been trying to keep this in mind so I do stuff.

So, it appears the bagel place has decided I will only be working about two four-hour shifts every week. YIKES! At least that's been the trend. I did get paid today though, a little more than I thought I would (thank god). However, new classifieds come out today. I WILL be able to pay my rent on the first. But almost my entire savings are gone... gross. I have about a month to find a full time job (or several part time jobs) before my entire life as I know it implodes. Have I mentioned how stupid I feel for having signed this current lease? Yuck. I'm not making another housing decision until April. And that one will DEFINITELY be less expensive. Harrumph.

This whole job thing is stressing me out to the point where I am feeling bad about myself and ergo trying to have others reinforce my self worth. WHICH, as I know from past experiences, is a BAD thing. When one defines oneself via the thoughts or ideas imposed upon them by another, one inevitably loses oneself. That's not to say we can't all learn from each other, grow as people, etc.; it just means that I can't allow others to tell me who I am because I am doubting myself. Gah. Does that make sense? Whatever.

Essentially what this boils down to is that I'm crazy about my duck but am in a state of extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem which I am afraid I am allowing to rub off on our relationship and seek comfort and reinforcement from him though I want him as my boyfriend and not counselor. AAAHH! SOOOO! Here are steps I am GOING TO TAKE (a.k.a. dear Summer, stop pussyfooting around and use all this precious time to your self productively) to prevent such situation:

1. Apply to all the jobs for which I'm qualified that came out in the paper today

2. For the love of cheezus, do more art. Particularly, finish paintings of Gary and Dan

a. Also! Work on drawing people's bodies

iii. that shit is hard, y'all

3. Apply for some internships for this summer. Expand my horizons!

4. Learn Dreamweaver

5. Maybe hang out more with more people?

a. I think I might just be hardwired to spend time by myself. Does this lead to too much INTROSPECTION? I dunno.

6. When I get money again, sign up for WWOOF and find somewhere south of the ecuador who will take me for next winter so I don't have to be cold.

H'OKAY? H'OKAY!