tarot carrot

Last night I had Christian read me my tarot cards. Now, while I'm pretty sure that I think there might be some sort of mysterious forces out there in the universe, I'm definitely not the type of person who believes psychics or horoscopes or any of those sorts of things. However, I was a little startled to see some very applicable cards come up. I don't know if it's the workings of some sort of mystical... uh... whatever, or if it was Christian and I giving them significance in light of things we've been talking about recently (I'm more likely to lean toward the interpretation). Anyway, personal beliefs (or confusion, really) aside, it definitely got waaay more personal than I was expecting it to be, and it certainly gave me some things to think about.

I've pretty much been poking around Boone not, as I think I've thought before, because I don't know what to do, but rather because I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do and I'm so terrified of failure or 'doing the wrong thing' that I prevent myself from any real action, therefore effectively (so I imagined) protecting myself from any RISK but also from new, potentially life-enhancing experiences. However, I'm not actually 'protecting' myself from anything -- regardless of any decisions I think I am making or not making, the world will continue to spiral on ceaselessly, people will continue to change, and I will still be faced with difficulties, whether I like it or not. So, perhaps I should make peace with the idea that I only have a certain amount of control over my life, but that I do have SOME control over it and if I don't UTILIZE myself to my fullest potential, I'm never going to be happy with myself.

In essence, I know I have some hard decisions to make. No, not quite. I think I have already made certain decisions, but I dreading some of the consequences of these decisions. Regarding one person in particular. I know it's silly to wish I was a little older, or he was a little younger, because we are who we are and even if those things were different there'd still be no guarantee that things would work out in the long run. There's no guarantee that if we both stay here in Boone forever we would be happy. I don't think I would be, as much as I think I would WANT to be. And I know I'm young, and we haven't been together very long, blah blah blah blah blah all that other downer shit, but I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spend the rest of my life just hanging out with than him. However, I can't let my entire being, my own aspirations and needs and desires be overridden by emotions I have for another person. People are so unpredictable that it's madness to allow your own happiness to be in the complete control of another. Besides, there's more to life than love, you know (even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes).

So, to make this tangible, I am taking great strides towards going to South Korea within the next year. Meg is being EXTREMELY helpful with this. She's in Pyeongtaeg (a little south of Seoul, near the west coast) and is definitely on board with trying to help me find placement somewhere near (I think she's a little homesick and would be excited to see a familiar face). Plus Heather has volunteered to hang out with me and let me utilize her as a research resource (since she's, you know, done this sort of thing before). So this is exciting but also very scary because it might actually be happening.

Hmm.

omg yall

seriously. there's been, like, NO ONE in the store today. most boring day EVARRR. Plus the store owner forgot to switch over credit cards for the web hosting company, so our account is currently suspended. Which means I can't do pretty much 90% of what I was hired to do. SO. edited massive amounts of pictures in the optimism that they'll get their shit straight in the next week or so. ANYWAY WORK IS NOT MY WHOLE LIFE. *deeeeep breath*

Tomorrow I have a day off! (I think if I didn't have tomorrow off I wouldn't be so. fucking. antsy.) Tonight! Dan and I are going to the collective to make art? I am working on a new book which I am very excited about and will be a present! for someone. Therefore, there's a lot of pressure to make it perfect and beautiful, even though I know the recipient of this present won't give a shit if it's not perfect, but it's the thought that counts, y'all!!!!!

Last night Heather told me a little about her being in Korea. A very little, which has spurned me to request talkytimes with her! She said she was TOESL certified which means she made more money when she was over there. This is something I should think about, particularly if I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

Saw Gary for about 3 whole minutes yesterday. He was driving through town and left me a message around 11 while I was at work. I left him a voicemail saying I would probably miss him and then pretty much forgot about it until later. Dan and I were sitting outside eating at Tuppelos and up walks Gary and Jenny! Yay! They were on their way out of town (for serious) so essentially just pulled over on the side of the road to say "OH HAI GOODBAI!" His new dog is adorable.

Still no news on future living situation.

I think that's it? End transmission.

your mother should've

So! The sun is set to emerge this weekend, and I do not have to work! I think Dan and I might be driving out to Jonas Ridge today to check on his parents' house. I like drives and I like Dan so it should be good. I also like sun, of which there has been far too little this winter. I'm hoping the coming spring will sweep fresh breezes through my life and get me motivated to, you know, DO SOMETHING, even if I don't 'go anywhere.' I want and need to be more creative. I need to start writing again. I think I am going to get a new ribbon for my typewriter (which, according to Sir Clark Frazier Hale III, Emperor of India) Staples did have at some point in time. I like the rhythm of rambling on my typewriter, and now when Dan asks me to keep him company at the studio I can try and be more productive too.

I need to GET MY ACT TOGETHER AND CLEAN MY GODDAMN APARTMENT. I'm living like a child, which I feel could be *vaguely* excusable in the frozen, depressed depths of winter, but the sunshine makes it seem pretty pathetic. Also! I need to clean the kitchen so I can make delicious lemon squares.

INTROSPECTIVE MOMENT:

I think I have a serious inability to live in the moment paired with a serious inability to make plans for fear of failure. (This makes it hard to, you know, form human connections through shared experience and also get ANYthing done.) I should work on these things.

In other news, West Virginia last weekend for Matt's Big Ugly Birthday Bash. I can't say anything except I'm so glad I went, and I never feel more myself than when I'm with these kids.

still gary

I need to stop thinking about friends and geography or I will be lonely forever. People lately have been coming in and out of my life in brief and superficial doses, but my heart is a town and all the above people live there.

(and yes, you too emma and kristi and whoever else couldn't be there.)

twirly

stupid happy

“Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”

I've been trying to keep this in mind so I do stuff.

So, it appears the bagel place has decided I will only be working about two four-hour shifts every week. YIKES! At least that's been the trend. I did get paid today though, a little more than I thought I would (thank god). However, new classifieds come out today. I WILL be able to pay my rent on the first. But almost my entire savings are gone... gross. I have about a month to find a full time job (or several part time jobs) before my entire life as I know it implodes. Have I mentioned how stupid I feel for having signed this current lease? Yuck. I'm not making another housing decision until April. And that one will DEFINITELY be less expensive. Harrumph.

This whole job thing is stressing me out to the point where I am feeling bad about myself and ergo trying to have others reinforce my self worth. WHICH, as I know from past experiences, is a BAD thing. When one defines oneself via the thoughts or ideas imposed upon them by another, one inevitably loses oneself. That's not to say we can't all learn from each other, grow as people, etc.; it just means that I can't allow others to tell me who I am because I am doubting myself. Gah. Does that make sense? Whatever.

Essentially what this boils down to is that I'm crazy about my duck but am in a state of extreme self-doubt and low self-esteem which I am afraid I am allowing to rub off on our relationship and seek comfort and reinforcement from him though I want him as my boyfriend and not counselor. AAAHH! SOOOO! Here are steps I am GOING TO TAKE (a.k.a. dear Summer, stop pussyfooting around and use all this precious time to your self productively) to prevent such situation:

1. Apply to all the jobs for which I'm qualified that came out in the paper today

2. For the love of cheezus, do more art. Particularly, finish paintings of Gary and Dan

a. Also! Work on drawing people's bodies

iii. that shit is hard, y'all

3. Apply for some internships for this summer. Expand my horizons!

4. Learn Dreamweaver

5. Maybe hang out more with more people?

a. I think I might just be hardwired to spend time by myself. Does this lead to too much INTROSPECTION? I dunno.

6. When I get money again, sign up for WWOOF and find somewhere south of the ecuador who will take me for next winter so I don't have to be cold.

H'OKAY? H'OKAY!

ffffffuhriday

1. Have found a parking spot for my car. yeeessss. Dan's friend is letting me rent a spot in her driveway, about a 15-18 min walk from my apt. And like 3 mins from his house. niiiiice.

2. Applied to FOUR more jobs; 2 secretary/receptionist/blahblah, 1 office manager, 1 with WYN which I think would be pretty damn swell. I wrote a really heartfelt cover letter and whatnot. Hooray for after school programs!

3. Bagels... eh. I only was on schedule for 2 days this week. They said they'd "let me know" when they needed me to come in again. Blerg. I think they're just waiting for their visit from the health inspector and are afraid if I am there I will do something stupid. So, health inspector, please come soon so I can work. Kthnx.

4. Mom bought a house in Wilson, which makes the drive out to her place about 30=45 minutes less. It's her "10 year" house -- she has 10 years until she retires, and her current job is going to eventually be moved to Raleigh, or if she gets promoted she will be working in Raleigh, so she figured she might as well just buy a damn house. It's really cute and sits on about an acre of land and is zoned within county but not city limits so she can get chickens. CUTE! Also! It's only an hour from the statewide flea market in Raleigh, so we've been discussing going one weekend and getting a spot. Which means I'm going to be using some of this not-working time to build up some stock and such. MAKING THINGS IS NEAT, WOOO!

5. Kristi sent me a care package with all sorts of neat paper goods and candy and a flower I can grow. I felt pretty special. Working on some mail art for her.

6. I am ridiculously stupid fucking happy relationship-wise. Borderline retarded. It's pretty disgusting but I like it.

7. Also broke. But trying to fix that.

8. I like lists!

9. Applying for Americorps jobs, looking into WWOOF, trying to find some volunteer abroad opportunities that don't cost me a million dollars, etc. I think I want to get out of Boone; not for forever, but for a bit. Of course #6 greatly complicates that.

10. It just felt right to end on 10. Have a good day y'all.

hmm

So I'm about 85% sure my employer just asked me to commit insurance fraud. Hmmm.

Dear HMR: Please call me ASAP and give me a job so I can quit this madness!

IN OTHER NEWS...

Leaving on Christmas Eve (hopefully). Will (hopefully) finish my brother's quilt. Present swapping with Dan tonight (thankfully I just got him his present yesterday, which means I haven't had time to get wiggly and spill the beans about what it is. Other than that it came from downtown, fits in my backpack, and is something he will like. Though that last one probably was assumed.). Part of my back tooth fell out and I accidently sat on my glasses and broke an arm off. But I'm using industrial glue to put them back together.

All in all, besides this job fiasco, I'm feelin' pretty good, pretty good.

alrightalrightalright

I think I am going back to work for CrazyFace today, provided he responds positively to the email I just sent him. If he says something mean or nasty, I'm gonna say 'fuck it.'

I was about 75% sure about this decision, and then yesterday a large chunk of one of my back teeth fell out, resulting in what I am referring to as DENTAL EMERGENCY '09, Y'ALL! It doesn't hurt... yet... though I went to the drug store yesterday to get that tooth spackle shit to see if I can keep the rest of it together. I think I had a filling fall out without realizing it, and then shit got in there and caused MADNESS AND DECAY. Which is going to cause MADNESS on my wallet to fix. So! Time to deal with some bullshit to get paid by Uncle Moneybags.

This weekend is supposed to be the Great Boone Blizzard of '09 or some ridiculous shit like that? Right now I am just seeing evidence of a wintry mix, however it is only 9am. One positive about working for CrazyFace is that his office is a scant three blocks away, so I will be walking this afternoon because I am afraid of driving to an icy death. I'm not so much excited about the snow as I am excited about being snowed in with someone and working on collaborative art projects/writing/quilting/watching movies/making out like 15yrolds.

HCP and Espresso Christmas parties tonight. I told Dan I'd go with him. Espresso should be fun, though he's said HCP is usually a trial, ha ha. One in which we'll be forced to sing. It's my belief that if we just do it loudly, off-key, and with gusto, no one will have to sing next year. I think the most depressing thing is, considering my gimp tooth, I will not be able to consume as many delicious holiday treats as I should. Down for the count in prime cookie season... shame, shame....

WHOA WHOA WHOA

Jesus Christ it's been an eventful few days.

SO, I ... uh... quit my new job yesterday. I have NEVER in my history of employment just plain walked out on a job before with no future prospects and no notice. Monday my boss FUCKING EXPLODED on me over the phone because he couldn't find the house of one of his potential clients. So, even though I printed out two sets of detailed directions (one from mapquest and one with visual markers specifically from the woman's mouth) and a map, I needed to "get my head out of my ass." He "didn't understand why [he] hired me if [he] was going to have to fucking do everything" blah blah blah blah blah. Cue more obscenities. This is just one of several episodes of verbal abuse from him. SO! I decided my self-respect is worth more than $12 an hour.

HOWEVER, I received a very professional and conciliatory email from him today, asking me to return and that he'll leave my job open until the end of business Friday in case I decide to reconsider. SO HERE IS THE SITUATION:

* I could come back Friday, have the weekend to chill out, and then return to work Mon-Wed until the office closes.

* The office re-opens on the 4th, BUT my boss will NOT be back in town until the 14th. The 15th is payday.

* SO, I could work the next 4 business days, then work 9 more without him and only 1 with him, and then get paid a solid chunk of change and decide THEN if I need to quit again.

* IN THE MEAN TIME, I can still be applying for jobs and seeing if I get a better offer (ie something with BENEFITS).

thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts

in the mire

more terrifying dreams last night. not 'terrifying' as invoking a sense of pure fright, like when your heart starts pounding and you wake up covered in sweat, but more like the slow sort of terror, the sense that something is horribly, horribly wrong, yet in your dream this is life.

We were living in a small, shitty, white house in a really poor semi-rural area. Sort of like some of the places I pass by in Kinston when I drive to mom's house from Jacksonville. There was a small, freshly turned field out back (1/4 of an acre?), and there was white powered sprinkled all over it. "dream mom" (who was black, interestingly enough, and I think at this part of the dream I was a little black girl, about 5 or 6) told me to go back and stamp it into the ground, because the neighbors would know it was lye and that Don was trying to cover up the bodies of the kids he'd killed.

earlier in the dream, at a different part of it completely disconnected from the aforementioned, there was some sort of camping trip or outdoor expedition or something, and an unrequited love was there. he looked older than he should. I was standing and he was kneeling, and I held his head against my chest and I was crying a little, and he was telling me he wanted to be with me, and I remember thinking I wanted it to but what about a family? what about kids? he would be so old when they were born. but I still wanted him so badly.

ugh.

anyway.

Got an email from Hawksnest. As soon as it gets cold enough they're going to start making snow. Which, as much as I don't want it to get cold, I really really want to start a better job. Calendars suck.

I think most of my frustration lately has stemmed from not working full time. I hate feeling as if I am not useful, intelligent, or a hard worker.

The BF has put up with my moods lately in a most honorable manner. It's nice to date someone who sees you as more of a person than an object.

sad panda

Today feels like it is going to be a sad day. I am draped in a feeling of general malaise. This isn't going to be a sad day in a very active form - someone dies, bad shit happens, blah blah blah. More like everything is coated with a see-through, saccharine varnish and I feel like my body is pushing against a great wall of water. Nothing feels real.

I am far too maudlin and it is far too pretty a day.

Last night I dreamed about one of the stars in my galaxy of lost loves and woke up feeling hollow with the knowledge that we are stranded in two different lives that will never run parallel in the way which would allow anything more than the thin threads of friendship we currently find ourselves tethered with.

le sigh

My fingertips will whisper secrets into my typewriter to be sent halfway across the state and the world, and I'll feel better.

and then maybe I'll work on some real writing.

resolutions

SO.

HP (no, no, not Harry Potter) and I had very long conversation last night, which has led to a mutually-agreed stasis-of-anything-regarding-the-S-and-R-words. However, this just-friends attitude will probably be beneficial in preventing myself from becoming distracted at a point in my life where I need to get all my own shit straightened out.

ONWARD, AHOY!

In other news: after I pay rent tomorrow I will be more broke than I ever have been since leaving my sheltered teenage life. this does bother me, but not as much as I expect it would. I think it's gotten to the point where I have so little money that it doesn't matter how much it is, because it's essentially nothing. so I went out and had a few drinks last night because, at this point, that extra $5 really makes no difference, ha ha ha.

thank god I have a sense of humor. I'd like to think I'm taking everything that's happened recently fairly well.

The Tweet has finished its 7-day schedule, so I'll be losing 2 paid hours a week, about $50 or so every month. groooooossss. hopefully I'll get an NYC job soon.

on deck: new brakes and rotors, when I can afford them (HAH! right now $420 seems more like a MILLLLLION).

six-and-a-half-hours-til-the-weekend

(ALSO!)

(I'm going to kidnap sommer and her kittens and her cupcakes. plz don't tell ben kthnx.)

Wild Wild Wet

Another rainy day at the Tweets. I'm really glad it's raining, because it rained on every one of my days off, and if it was sunny and beautiful while I was working this weekend I was probably going to throw myself in front of the train. I hate people who get pissy when it's raining here; we are zoned as a temperate rainforest. This is a good thing. Last summer everyone was angry because it wouldn't rain at all, and now it's too much, blah blah blah.

r....a...i.....n......

Ignoring phone calls from the asshat. God I have bad taste. Or perhaps it's just the idea that "No, I'm sure somewhere, deep down, deeeep down somewhere, this person is really not a complete waste of space and time, truly!".

psh. whatev. I should fly solo anyway. I think the universe is trying to tell me this too -- I went out the other night for dinner with some coworkers, and we had a super cute waiter. Who I was sorta-flirting with. So of course I spilt an entire glass of water right in my lap, all over the booth, the floor, etc. He comes up, trying not to laugh, and hands me a towel. Which I then promptly smothered myself with (((kidding, obvsly))).

I've got more important shit to concentrate on anyway. Like not spending money. And the GRE. And my fucking WRITING (oh yeah, that...). And Grad school. And the above also needs to include trying not to think about hottie professor, with whom I've had near-daily rapport since he left for France. Mmm....

A week until my birthday, a scant two weeks until NOLA. Fuck yeah!

pendulum

gah busy busy week. not enough sleep. I need to try and sleep tonight and not spend the day falling asleep at the tweet. Eight and a half more hours of work today. (pleaseohgodkillmenow.)

Monday dance dance at the saloon. Tuesday I slept, read, and didn't do much of anything really. Wednesday I cleaned the old house in Vilas, and then went out and saw the kids for Melissa's bachelorette party, which I'm pleased to know she survived. Thursday morning waking up with a friend, cheeeeseburgers, the Saloon again. I think it's funny that I haven't been there in a month or so and in the last week I've been about 3 times now.

Important to remember: You can't invest too much in the idea of another person making you feel happy/complete/anything, because they are *another person* and therefore unpredictable.

Even if it is nice to pretend, for a night, things are good. Just between friends.

movement

I need a project. Something big. Something that requires lots of creative thought and using my hands.

I want to build something or make something huuuugggeee and meeeaaannniiinnngggfffuuulll and pooowwweeerrrffuuuulll.

I need to create purpose, myself.


(There's more to life than being in love, you know.)

virtuoso

I'm trying my best to remember patience, kindness, love, and charity. All of these things are in short stock right now, but as long as I remind myself to get my head out of my ass at least half the time, I think I might make a decent human being yet!

Gary came over the other night for free chicken salad, a present I got him from the Ashe County Cheese Factory (Desert Fire Hot Hot Hot - with a name like that, it screamed Gary), and talky-times. We got to talking about the boys and the ladies of our lives. I'm pretty sure he very gently, very softly implied that I was acting a little like a tramp not too long ago. However, this was tempered with him telling me, in essence, that I needn't sell myself short all the time, that I'm worth waiting for, and all-in-all that I'm a good sort of person who any boy should have to work for to be with. Which I thought was very sweet of him. I'm slowly trying to learn this lesson myself.

Which leads me to T. You know, I was really doing fine with this whole "I haven't seen you in weeks and you won't be back for another 2 but I know you're having a good time so that's ok" thing until he posted pictures online and when I saw them I went "omgzerz miss yooou" like a 12 year old girl. Hmmph.

The last few days have been about reading, painting, and discovering lost joys (such as jewelry making and wine nights).

PS! I have eight types of cheese in my fridge, y'all. I am the cheese master. I should probably make a quiche.

doubt

I have been full of doubt lately. Doubt doubt doubt.

I am feeling a severe lack of personal connections and am yearning desperately for lines of communication to become re-established with certain people. Matt has a phone now, at least, so there's one. It's not the same though. I need Murphy's and two pitchers of PBRs and for us to slap the table and wildy gesticulate our intensity towards everything involving ourselves and the world around us.

I have been revisiting a mild-obsession in regards to another certain person. Which I'm trying to get over. Though I don't even know if I want to. But it'd probably be good for me.

I have been entering the strange world of abstract art. I have no idea whether to classifiy my paintings as "art" or just "Summer's experiments in X-Treme finger painting." But how would I go about classifying anything I make as "legitimate?" Must I prove my "legitimacy" in the eyes of others? And if one of the goals is to prove it's legitimacy, am I thinking more about the effects of my creativity than upon my creativity itself? Or is that all ART is -- legitimizing your creativity in front of others? If I fail to receive some sort of outside connection, is my work de-valued? Or must I create my own value of it? Is art a struggle for self-expression or a struggle for the creation of connection with the viewer? Am I revealing something about myself or to someone else? Or am I supposed to come up with some happy marriage of the two?

aarrgghh.

Pretty much all I know is I can figure out whether or not I'm finished with a painting, though I've no idea how I ever reach that conclusion.

THINGS TO REMEMBER:

Being miserable doesn't make you any less wrong, but being happy doesn't make you any more so, either.

June

I have not heard back from either the donut place or Galileo, the new restaurant with which I interviewed on Wednesday. So, it seems I am destined to remain at TR for now. Y'know, unless I win the lottery tonight. I won't be holding my breath.

Last night was the first night I spent in my new apartment. I almost went back to Vilas because I'm not quite set up at the new place yet, but I really needed to bond with my new space. I love it. I'm in love. It's one giant room so I can see everything, which hopefully will lead me to be more organized. I'm the type of person who has to see where absolutely everything is, or I will tear my whole house apart to find it. This way, no tearing about should be necessary, provided I organize as I unpack.

I still have one or two boxes unopened from my move in August. I think it was because at that point I was dreading having to live with a certain someone, so I was rather unattached to the whole idea/house. However, I am determined to make my new apartment my oasis. I want to feel enchanted.

That is a goal which I am trying to apply to all aspects of my life right now. I want to feel enchanted with everything around me and everything I do. I am questioning, though, whether this has more to do with occupation or mindset.

Or perhaps a combination of both. Hmm.

ALSO!
Anyone in Boone need a job?:
http://boone.craigslist.org/sls/1201082353.html

Tuesday

Espresso News. Mellow Mushroom with Cannon and Perry.

I started painting again.

nah nah nah

Had a really really really really really great weekend.

Friday I went out to Espresso to do some work, where I ran into Perry and Cannon. Had lunch with them at Sunrise. THEN Hebron with the lovely red house boys/ladies. It was completely frat-boy and Watauga High overload though, but pleasant nonetheless. Afterwards Kristi and I drove out to the Kilwin's in Blowing Rock for ice cream and sat on a bench under their awning talking in the rain. Gooood neeeews.

I'm really glad I've been getting a little bit of one-on-one time lately with the people who have been most important to me over the last four years, especially because we're all leaving. Yeah, I know it's not going to be forever until we all see each other again, but it's never going to be as frequent or easy as it is now. I just want everyone to know how much I really do love and appreciate them.

Finally went grocery shopping on Saturday, and I got a free hot dog because it was college day, w00t! I've been eating more and more hot dogs lately. Yes, hot dogs are gross. But so goddamn delicious. Tyler had a party at which I got pretty silly, but definitely not as silly as others, so yay for drunken prudence. I got to hang out with Tyler's brother and his friends who were in town, all of whom I really really like.

Yesterday we ate at YE OLDE HAM SHOPPE for the first time. Holy crap that sandwich was probably one of the most delicious things I've eaten in Boone. It was kinda pricey but worth it for fresh produce. Later (after a three hour, much needed nap) I went out to Tyler's new place in Seven Devils, where we made burgers and brats, mmmm.

My heart is all a-flutter. I love spring.