one more time

And another day has passed with not even the whisper of a contact from Korea. I sent another email yesterday that was very similar to the first and essentially said "Uh... ya know.... the program's starting in a coupla weeks... just wonderin' if I have a job..." No reply, of course. Of course.

My stress has got me moving in waves. I gravitate between letting it all wash around me like the waves in some overbearing ocean over which I have no control (very zen-like, I assure you) to all out stress and panic. I am going to be unemployed... again. I am going to be homeless.

I am going to be fucking stuck in North Carolina for the rest of my goddamn life.

So, I guess if this is the big fat fucking failure it is turning out to be, this might be the following course of action:

* Still go back to Boone in a couple of days

* Still go visit mom for a couple of days

* Babysit the house in Jacksonville for two weeks while my stepdad's girlfriend is in Albuquerque with him helping work on this new house. Apply for jobs, etc.

* Move back in with my mom and remain a failure for the rest of my life.

I can't begin to describe the way I feel. Hurt, angry, confused, letdown. Angry, maybe. Take the right classes, get the grades, do every fucking extracurricular in addition to getting a job so you can get into the right college, who will accept you and then not give you any financial aid to cover $40k/year tuition. Go to an affordable in-state school that no one's ever heard of until they start winning fucking football championships, take 18 goddamn credits a semester to graduate on time, write the essays, get the grades, have a job the entire time, turn down parties, trips, every fun thing in your fucking life to graduate with fucking HONORS so that when you graduate, you can work shitty jobs barely above minimum wage and be treated like a fucking dog.

A lot of people say a lot of shitty things about my generation. Well, here's how I think about it:

We've all been raised with the ingrained belief that if we work hard enough, or "do the right thing," then our efforts will pay off. Instead, we've been thrust into a society full of cheats, liars, financial bailouts for major corporations while the government shits on individuals, presidents who dare to pander to our youth and optimism in order to grab a vote for promises they fail (and not reluctantly) to uphold. We've been referred to as the "lollipop generation" -- demanding things and expecting to give nothing in return. And what are we guilty of demanding? Pay that will allow us to fucking VISIT THE GODDAMN DOCTOR and a job that doesn't involve slowly losing our soul over the course of a lifetime. My generation is full of intelligent, highly symp/empathetic, creative people who are constantly met with refusal. We have both the tools and the desire to do things, beautiful things, yet our society refuses to acknowledge that we are useful or even necessary, past being a source of cheap labor for the privileged.

Do I even know what the fuck I am talking about? Is it possible to know? I don't know.

I am very frustrated right now.