one more time

And another day has passed with not even the whisper of a contact from Korea. I sent another email yesterday that was very similar to the first and essentially said "Uh... ya know.... the program's starting in a coupla weeks... just wonderin' if I have a job..." No reply, of course. Of course.

My stress has got me moving in waves. I gravitate between letting it all wash around me like the waves in some overbearing ocean over which I have no control (very zen-like, I assure you) to all out stress and panic. I am going to be unemployed... again. I am going to be homeless.

I am going to be fucking stuck in North Carolina for the rest of my goddamn life.

So, I guess if this is the big fat fucking failure it is turning out to be, this might be the following course of action:

* Still go back to Boone in a couple of days

* Still go visit mom for a couple of days

* Babysit the house in Jacksonville for two weeks while my stepdad's girlfriend is in Albuquerque with him helping work on this new house. Apply for jobs, etc.

* Move back in with my mom and remain a failure for the rest of my life.

I can't begin to describe the way I feel. Hurt, angry, confused, letdown. Angry, maybe. Take the right classes, get the grades, do every fucking extracurricular in addition to getting a job so you can get into the right college, who will accept you and then not give you any financial aid to cover $40k/year tuition. Go to an affordable in-state school that no one's ever heard of until they start winning fucking football championships, take 18 goddamn credits a semester to graduate on time, write the essays, get the grades, have a job the entire time, turn down parties, trips, every fun thing in your fucking life to graduate with fucking HONORS so that when you graduate, you can work shitty jobs barely above minimum wage and be treated like a fucking dog.

A lot of people say a lot of shitty things about my generation. Well, here's how I think about it:

We've all been raised with the ingrained belief that if we work hard enough, or "do the right thing," then our efforts will pay off. Instead, we've been thrust into a society full of cheats, liars, financial bailouts for major corporations while the government shits on individuals, presidents who dare to pander to our youth and optimism in order to grab a vote for promises they fail (and not reluctantly) to uphold. We've been referred to as the "lollipop generation" -- demanding things and expecting to give nothing in return. And what are we guilty of demanding? Pay that will allow us to fucking VISIT THE GODDAMN DOCTOR and a job that doesn't involve slowly losing our soul over the course of a lifetime. My generation is full of intelligent, highly symp/empathetic, creative people who are constantly met with refusal. We have both the tools and the desire to do things, beautiful things, yet our society refuses to acknowledge that we are useful or even necessary, past being a source of cheap labor for the privileged.

Do I even know what the fuck I am talking about? Is it possible to know? I don't know.

I am very frustrated right now.

das boot

Today I was an hour late for work because I had a boot put on my car. I tried to park on King St after work last night, but even though it was just after 6:30, because it was a Saturday there were NO spaces. So, I get up this morning, ready to go, walk out to where I parked -- and there they are, sitting on my tire.

$60 down the whole. "Hey, well, maybe this will cheer you up. If you had waited just another hour, you would be paying $120." I told him it might as well be a million, in that case, because I couldn't afford to pay it.

I AM BROKE, y'all. Broke broke broke. And bills keep coming.

When I was younger, I was told that if I was smart enough, and I worked hard, I could get scholarships and go to college and then get a job, and it really didn't matter what my degree was in as long as I got one, because then I was proving that I was a capable, intelligent hard worker, BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH, and I'd get paid and everything would be ok.

LIES LIES LIES FUCKING LIES.

So, essentially, this morning any naive hopes of being able to stay in Boone have pretty much been shattered.

Fuck, I do not want to move back to Jacksonville. I do not want to ask my parents for money. I just want to pay my bills and write and live in PEACE.

Money = root of all evil, y'all.

THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

I am so fucking sick of feeling like I'm obligated to give every fucking person on the fucking planet the chance to prove that they are not fundamentally an asshole when I already know that they are.

fuck.

(this is a reaction to a specific event which, while not necessarily responsible intrinsically for said feelings, definitely gives rise to those sentiments)

pretty much I hate everyone. allthetime.

soapbox

Throughout the course of information/events of last night/this morning, I've uncovered the big fucking truth about life:

1. Everything, inevitably, dies. EVERYTHING.

2. This fucking sucks and makes you feel like shit.

3. The only way not to feel like shit is to accept the fact that EVERYTHING DIES.

4. YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT EVERYTHING DIES.

THEREFORE:

YOU WILL ALWAYS, INEVITABLY, FEEL LIKE SHIT.

so really there's no point to anything. truth and loyalty are illusions, and in the end all you have is the hollow vessel of yourself which has been filled with the various pains of earthly life.

.

fuck everyone.

no, seriously.

fuck. everyone.