I is so terrified, so excite!

Right now I am at my mom's new house in Wilson, which I like better than her old apartment because we have more spaaaccceee and are not all on top of one another. Right now she is at work but she is taking a half day so we can get lunch (probably chicken mcnuggets, mmmm) and then hang out just the two of us. Maybe go look for plug adapters at Wally World, though my laptop should be good up to 240 volts, so I won't need a transformer. Thanks, MacBook!

Le Schedule Tentatif:

Back in town the morning of Monday, July 12th. I think I work Tues - Sat. Then I work four or five days the week after that. Then!!!

Saturday, July 24th - last day of work!

Sunday or Monday the 25th or 26th - drive out to Jacksonville. See old friends, stepdad, etc.

Thursday, July 29th - drive back to Boone

Friday, July 30th - FIREWORKS NIGHT at the ASHEVILLE TOURISTS! My final American baseball game! *sniffsniff*

August 1st - 8th - See/do everything I want to in Boone before I leave. This will include much time with my Dan.

tentatively Sunday, August 8th - Summer's 23rd birthday Party Pajamma Jammy Jam. Interpretation: staying up all night with (hopefully) Dan, Travis, Christian, Caitlin, maybe Comfy Time Carroll, watching scary movies (Poltergeist, Alien, etc.) and eating junk food like Pizza Muffins and Cupcakes. A GOOD TIME.

August 10th - Say goodbye to Boone. Weep. Weep weep weep. Feel as though my heart is getting shoved through a thresher but know that I cannot grow as a person unless I find new challenges for myself. Drive to mom's in Wilson.

August 14th - fly out of Raleigh

August 15th - fly into Seoul, therefore beginning the next chapter in my life of which I am deeply terrified yet also stupidly excited.

Somewhere in there I get my contract and need to get my visa. Have the passport though.

I am a big ball of emotion right now, so if you see me and I suddenly stop talking or start crying that is why, though I am keeping that in check for right now. I keep rationalizing this move and even though I am so ridiculously excited the thought of leaving Boone, where granted I have not been as long as other people but in my moved-around military brat life 5 years is substantial, especially considering this is the place where I've really started forming my adult identity, still makes me sad.

Wrapped up in all of this two is relationship woes. Dan and I aren't really going to "be" anything while I'm away. We're both just "seeing how it goes" I suppose. I'll be gone longer than we've even been together (7 months since our first kiss on Sunday. Yes, I know this. Yes, cheeseball). I'm crazy about him and I don't want to admit to myself that things can't work out with him. But I think I also don't want to admit to myself that this experience will undoubtedly impart huge changes upon me, and I might not even want to come back to Boone at the end of the year. But, if I stay, would we really stay together?

I hate that we're both realists. I tease him all the time. "If you like it then you should put a ring on it." But we both know that's not gonna happen. I want to shake him and be like "OH MY GOD CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE A CHANCE AND SAY YOU LOVE ME AND CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME?" but at the same time is it healthy for me to put aside all the cool things I could do to have him, yes, but not have a good job or a real place to live or my own life really? I'm not sure I've mastered the art of saving myself while in a relationship. And it's not really fair to him. He's 15 years ahead of me in this game, and if I'm not ready to settle down yet how is it right for me to tell him he has to wait even longer?

I don't know a lot of things.

In essence, everything about my life right now is bittersweet. I can't even conceive of what Korea will be like nor that it will be my home for the next year. I don't think it will hit me until I land.

tween

The past week or so has made me conclude that I am both (a) way too old and (b) way too young for this town.

Went to the 641 RPM show last night and was one of three people drinking a beer. Because I was one of about three people who were old enough to actually *purchase* and legally *consume* beer. Hmm. Hence thought "a." However, a joke from Travis sparks thought "b": "Must be strange to you, being one of the oldest people in the room."

Not that I find it particularly offensive. But the above, combined with Dan's absence this weekend, just further emphasizes my feeling of not belonging in this town. The majority of my close friends and those who I would consider my "peers" have left town. Remaining are those younger than me, only one who I find myself still associating with on a regular basis (Amanda), those incredibly younger than me who I would feel completely weird about hanging out with (thought "a"), and the older Espresso/Saloon crowd who, though I know and talk to a little bit, I don't overwhelmingly relate to. I don't know. I feel like everyone is on an adventure, is taking a break in between their adventures, or have already had their share of adventures, and I am still sitting here in my apartment, alone, afraid to do anything. Pair this with other complications that I will not digress into via the interwebs, and I feel particularly stunted.

Of course, I am also completely lacking direction. I applied to a few jobs with Americorps, but I'm not convinced that's something I want to do. Help people/the world, in a general sense, but be employed by the government and, essentially, just another instrument of bureaucracy? Grad school doesn't seem like a viable option either, since I don't really know what I want to study, and would probably fall into the same trap I did at App - major in something you think you like because you don't know what else to do. I wish I would have explored my options more. I probably would have ended up in technical photography or computer/web programming.

Essentially, I am floundering financially and failing to fully realize my self-identity

Blerg.

I don't know shit about shit y'all.