More and more I feel the strong urge to say 'FUCK BOONE' and get the hell out of here.
Soon, soon.
I have applied for a few more jobs in the NY area. GOAL: To be there by January!
ALSO! rescheduled my GRE exam for a month later than the date I originally decided upon. no way was I ready to take it Tuesday. however, a month from then? yes.
working on some writing. working on not hating life. bleh.
NOLA felt like coming home to a big, hot, sweaty best friend. I am in love with that city and am also considering moving there. I don't know if I would like it forever, but I think I would love to live there for a year or two.
possibilities, possibilities.
I have to open myself up to the world like a flower to the sun, before I fall prey to a false winter.
Showing posts with label I'm wasting my life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I'm wasting my life. Show all posts
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Wednesday
Breakfast with Tyler.
This peach nehi provided at least a half hour of entertainment.
Little Lost Cove Cliffs + N. Harpers Creek trails.
I am a fan of old houses.Spaghetti dinner, old movie, cuddles.
nearperfectday
Sunday, May 3, 2009
sad summer
So the last few days haven't been all the great for me, emotionally.
I'm in graduation panic mode. For example, my thoughts last night:
"Oh god everyone is leaving Boone why did I decide to stay here? all my friends are going off into the world and doing great fantastic things and becoming real people and I am just a chicken shit so I am just staying in town working a shitty job when I should be going out finding new opportunities but I'm not even sure if I am going to have real opportunities because I have what is essentially a useless degree and I already get lonely now so I'm going to be REALLY lonely because everyone is not going to be here and I'm going to miss them so much and what am I doing with myself? I am letting my youth pass me by I am stagnating I am lacking progress I am essentially a useless scaredy cat of a human being who can't get anything done because I feel utter panic at wasting my life but at the same time a crippling sense of perfectionism and fear of failure that does not allow me to accept scary and strange challenges."
If Matt were here, he would tell me I was thinking too much. Here's how it would probably go:
me: ramble ramble ramble anxiety! anxiety! aahah!
Matt: STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. You're thinking to much.
me: but but but
Matt: STOP IT.
This would occur at Murphy's, where we would be "stopping by for a beer" after running into e each other at the library at 11:00pm on a Tuesday night, and where "a beer" would turn into 2 pitchers and me sleeping on Matt's couch.
I have a month until I move into my new apartment. In my mind, that seems like the "official" beginning of life-after-college. So I guess I need to use the next month to TAKE A FUCKING BREATH, pack, save some money, and try not to freak the fuck out about things I can't control right now.
So essentially I'm just trying to convince myself to delay all my problems until moving, which seems like some sort of all-problem-solving event, as in "oh, I'll have my own little apartment in town and there will be people around and I can skip down King street and hang out in espresso and see people!" when really I'll probably feel the same, just with less quiet.
Hmm.
On the other hand, work doesn't suck quite as bad as I thought it would (and still think it will in the future). I've gone into the office at TR for a few hours over the last few days, learning all the stuff that I, as the receptionist, will be doing. I think the hardest part will be learning which department I need to refer callers to, depending on their questions. Yesterday I spent four hours typing up donation responses, stuffing envelopes, and updating databases. Easy peasy.
I'm in graduation panic mode. For example, my thoughts last night:
"Oh god everyone is leaving Boone why did I decide to stay here? all my friends are going off into the world and doing great fantastic things and becoming real people and I am just a chicken shit so I am just staying in town working a shitty job when I should be going out finding new opportunities but I'm not even sure if I am going to have real opportunities because I have what is essentially a useless degree and I already get lonely now so I'm going to be REALLY lonely because everyone is not going to be here and I'm going to miss them so much and what am I doing with myself? I am letting my youth pass me by I am stagnating I am lacking progress I am essentially a useless scaredy cat of a human being who can't get anything done because I feel utter panic at wasting my life but at the same time a crippling sense of perfectionism and fear of failure that does not allow me to accept scary and strange challenges."
If Matt were here, he would tell me I was thinking too much. Here's how it would probably go:
me: ramble ramble ramble anxiety! anxiety! aahah!
Matt: STOP IT. JUST STOP IT. You're thinking to much.
me: but but but
Matt: STOP IT.
This would occur at Murphy's, where we would be "stopping by for a beer" after running into e each other at the library at 11:00pm on a Tuesday night, and where "a beer" would turn into 2 pitchers and me sleeping on Matt's couch.
I have a month until I move into my new apartment. In my mind, that seems like the "official" beginning of life-after-college. So I guess I need to use the next month to TAKE A FUCKING BREATH, pack, save some money, and try not to freak the fuck out about things I can't control right now.
So essentially I'm just trying to convince myself to delay all my problems until moving, which seems like some sort of all-problem-solving event, as in "oh, I'll have my own little apartment in town and there will be people around and I can skip down King street and hang out in espresso and see people!" when really I'll probably feel the same, just with less quiet.
Hmm.
On the other hand, work doesn't suck quite as bad as I thought it would (and still think it will in the future). I've gone into the office at TR for a few hours over the last few days, learning all the stuff that I, as the receptionist, will be doing. I think the hardest part will be learning which department I need to refer callers to, depending on their questions. Yesterday I spent four hours typing up donation responses, stuffing envelopes, and updating databases. Easy peasy.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
oh shit oh shit oh shit
So I'm sort of stumped.
I've -- very literally, very seriously -- had everything in my life planned up until May 10th, as far as "major occupation of time/life."
And that is all about to be over.
And I am fucking panicking.
And I want someone to make all my hard decisions for me so I don't have to. Or a big hole to come and swallow me up.
Because I am so. fucking. scared.
Of doing something wrong. Or fucking my life up. Or choosing the wrong opportunity and missing out on what I'm "supposed" to be doing.
Assuming the universe has some "grand plans" for me anyway, or "true callings" actually exist.
Thinking about it gives me a stomach ache.
Ugh.
I wish a certain someone was here to make me feel better. (And then again, I wish I didn't wish that. Oh, dependence! That path only leads to disappointment.)
So pretty much.
I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like it's all going WRONG. And then I feel like a pussy for panicking, because lord knows people have undergone major life changes before, and lived to tell the tale.
Anyway.
END SELF-INDULGENT PITY RAMBLE.
I've -- very literally, very seriously -- had everything in my life planned up until May 10th, as far as "major occupation of time/life."
And that is all about to be over.
And I am fucking panicking.
And I want someone to make all my hard decisions for me so I don't have to. Or a big hole to come and swallow me up.
Because I am so. fucking. scared.
Of doing something wrong. Or fucking my life up. Or choosing the wrong opportunity and missing out on what I'm "supposed" to be doing.
Assuming the universe has some "grand plans" for me anyway, or "true callings" actually exist.
Thinking about it gives me a stomach ache.
Ugh.
I wish a certain someone was here to make me feel better. (And then again, I wish I didn't wish that. Oh, dependence! That path only leads to disappointment.)
So pretty much.
I don't know what I'm doing. I just feel like it's all going WRONG. And then I feel like a pussy for panicking, because lord knows people have undergone major life changes before, and lived to tell the tale.
Anyway.
END SELF-INDULGENT PITY RAMBLE.
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