deep set chill

SO, it is officially a chilly morning in my apartment. I slept in sweat pants and a thermal shirt last night, with two blankets in various states of coverage, and neglected to break a sweat. Right now I am sitting in said pajamas wearing my fuzzy fleece and feeling the cold from my tile floor seep through my black socks and spread like roots of discomfort through my body.

grooosss.

I need to get that plastic shit for my windows (I hate that stuff). Or maybe thermal curtains? Or maybe I should use my 3908098 yards of scrap fabric to stitch together delicious quilt-like confections for window coverage?

I have had a few inquiries about subleasing my apartment but so far no serious leads. If anyone in Boone is looking for an efficiency for the spring, let me know please kthx. I'm in the process of s-s-s-serious organizing. I am incapable of throwing away even the most mundane of objects. I need to start a letter-n-note binder. Yesterday I found the scrap of paper from my lip piercer where he wrote his home and cell number, online contact information, and "please call me." ha ha ha. He had filed teeth. BAD-ASS.

Unfortunately, I still don't know where I am going in January. I just know that I have to.

Yesterday I signed a lease for my very own by-myself, out-of-college apartment. It's one of the aforementioned efficiencies. I think I am going to really really really really like it, if only for the fact that every square inch of it will be miiiiinnneeee.

(Sometimes living with other people makes me feel like I can't breeeeaaaaathe.)

I am also going to really really like it because it's the first time in a long time I've made a decision and stuck with it regardless of other people telling me I need to "get out of Boone," or I'll "get stuck," yadda yadda yadda. Fuck those guys. I actually like Boone.

(And it's not like I won't be leaving next year. Really, I just want to get a job and chill the fuck out for a few months.)

This weekend is Alyce's bachelorette party in Charleston, which, as much as I love Alyce, I really don't want to go to because A. it's supposed to thunderstorm the whole time, B. I don't want to drive and C. I don't really know all that many other people who will be there.

Pretty much I'm just feeling lazy and would rather go see my mom and my brother for the weekend, but I've already promised myself away. I'm sure once I get there I'll probably have fun.

Last night I made midnight banana bread, because I'm still not sleeping quite right. Though as soon as I pulled everything out of the oven, I crawled into bed and slept almost the entire night. (I did dream about kissing the ex-lover though. Which is good, because then I wake up and go 'what an awful idea that would be!' so if I'm ever in that situation ((likely)) I can refrain.)

Tonight my plans are to bake, to go see Diane Glancy read, and hopefully hang out with the ginger.

Tomorrow, 12:30, appointment for apartments!

I am very excited about living by myself.
Hopefully on campus hill.
So I can have alone time but also walk down the stairs to see Amanda if I get lonely.
(I'm actually not sure where the units available are, but I think they're somewhere in that general vicinity.)

All SCS&Future (or whatever the fuck they're called) have left are efficiencies, but I think a very small place will be good for me. It will encourage me to get rid of some of my shit.

I'm a packrack, and I have been my entire life. I'm the person who likes to soak labels off of wine bottles, keep the bottle because it's neat and keep the label because it's pretty, and eventually just have them lying around taking up space while I pretend like I will use them both again somehow in the future.

And jars. I cannot manage to throw away a jar. When I moved out of my last apartment, I ended up recycling over 30 empty jars. That I held on to, y'know, 'just in case,' because you never know when you might need a jar. Or 30.

I need to releeeaaassseee. I do not need to keep every old Christmas card. I do not need to keep all my old magazine issues, particularly if I didn't really read them when I first got them. I do not need all the clothes I have that I think are neat but, for some reason, never wear.

I mean, to get technical, I don't *need* most of the shit I own, but whatever.

(If I find a place I like tomorrow, I am completely prepared to sign a lease and put down a security deposit. It feels good to be confident in a decision, even if it might not be a good idea. At least I am learning more about confidence.)