more stress!

Korea has had my documents for about a week and a half, according to the USPS web tracking, and I still have yet to hear anything from the program. Sunday night (monday morning there) I sent an email inquiring as to whether or not the coordinator physically received my documents (because I know they were delivered to the building, if not directly to her). No reply. I am hoping she's just waiting to say something because I am getting placed, and she doesn't want to have to send two emails; however, I have been reading things on facebook and message boards and such about other people who say they have been wait-listed. One recruitment site said that just because they offer you a job doesn't necessarily mean you get one; so, theoretically, until I have a contract in my hands, there's no real way of knowing if I am actually going to get placed.

I REALLY WISH THEY WOULD HAVE MENTIONED THAT ON THE OFFICIAL WEBSITE.

So now, because of Mr. I Don't Know How to Correctly Notarize Documents, I could be wait-listed or, even worse, not get a position at all.

In which case, I will have no job, and as of August 15th no place to live.

Grrrrreeeeeaaaaaatttt.

In which case, I guess since they have all my documents I will request that they place me for their March 2011 school start. And then I will have to figure out what to do for the next seven to eight months. My stepdad is moving to Albuquerque, and my mom's boyfriend's daughter is moving into their house, so I can't really crash with the rents to save money or anything. So I guess it is find a place here until February, or...

Well, I just don't really know right now.

My intent is not to dwell too much on it, since I literally am powerless at this point (ball is in your court, Korea). But I think perhaps I need to start making some backup plans.

Yeah.

things

things that have been on my mind lately/often/always:

1. I don't think I know how to love, rather I set up and allow myself to be consumed.

2. I am plagued by the constant fear that TIME IS RUNNING OUT.

(a) This makes me feel pressured to spend every second of my life accomplishing SOMETHING, to the point that going to sleep becomes difficult.

(b) I think this is created by an intense fear of death, of which I cannot accept as inevitable.

(c) Related to a fear of being alone and unloved.

(d) I'm afraid all of this is also tied to some sort of unconscious desire to fix all of the mistakes my family has made in the past and somehow 'fix' my childhood by perfecting my future, as soon as possible.

3. I am terrified of failure and therefore despite #2 I find myself impotent to action.