life, in general

Tuesday I was pretty much on the verge of a complete and total school-future-family related breakdown. I (sort of) yelled at the Ginger. He made a valiant, soothing effort of making me feel better. Emma, also, by pointing out to me that if I didn't leave my house, I would remain surrounded by all the work I felt was overwhelming me and couldn't be completed, and I would end up going more crazy. Which is valid, particularly considering the semi-obsessiveness my personality can tend towards. It's good having friends who know you, and know what's good for you. I'm gonna miss the shit out of Emma when she leaves for Germany this summer.

So, St. Patrick's day. uuuuggghh. Went to Mellow, left after I got a cigarette from a friend. Waaaay too many people. I have been feeling a little hermit-esque lately, particularly when it comes to large crowds that don't consist mainly of people I know on a personal basis. So, went back to the Red House, where Gary coerced me into having a glass of wine... which turned into me getting rather tipsy and singing Ginuwine and Blackstreet to the kids. With dance moves. It totally brought me back to the skating rink.

(Did you guys ever used to go to the skating rink? 7th grade, that was the place to meet people. Boys and girls on the cusps of adolescence, discovering the strange way their hearts race when they hold your hand during a slow, couple's only skate, wondering if, when the music stops, the disco ball goes up, and they return to school, their fleeting night skate-love will make it?)

Yesterday was a beautiful day, which I think helped to up my mood a little bit. I. Am. So. Fucking. Excited. About. Going. Outside. Christ. I also caught up on a lot of work that I felt was strangling me. I still have a piece for Bathanti I need to write, which is already late, but that dear man said I could still turn it in. After my readings last night I went over to see the Ginger. I don't exactly know what to say about that situation, except that I like it. More than I was expecting.

Hottie professor and I had a brief chat yesterday, which pretty much centered around the idea that I could do anything I want if I actually put forth a complete effort into it. "I know you," he said. "Your problem is the follow through.'

goddamn right it is.

I think a lot of factors go into this, one of them being that I'm always afraid of missing out on something better. I delay jumping right into jobs because I'm afraid I'll be stuck with it instead of being able to do something that's more satisfying, pays more, will be more excitging, etc. It's like that dream Sylvia Plath has in "The Bell Jar," where she sees all her different futures as pears on a tree, and instead of picking one she wants them all, and they eventually just fall off and rot in her lap.

And, to be honest, sometimes I just don't give a shit about what I'm working on. Take all my current linguistic work, for example. But graduation is May 10th. I don't want to drop the ball right now, of all times. I think if I concentrate more on short-term goals, I'll be able to get a lot more done. For the most part the big picture is still fuzzy and completely overwhelming.

SO, here are a few goals:

- get all my school shit done on time, and WELL
- get a job
- don't eat a bunch of shit that's bad for me
- don't smoke

simple starts.