PREFACE: don't read this if you don't want to hear me bitch and moan some more. apparently it's my favorite thing to do.

Arrived back in Boone yesterday, after driving 7 hours melting in my car with Emma. Beach trip was... well... jesus christ. Think of the MLK dance party, but for three days straight.

I consumed so much shit over the course of the last few days that last night I ended up on the floor in my little bathroom, staring out the toilet and just praying I could vomit up whatever alien entity was trying to hatch in my stomach. And lying there, cold and miserable, all I wanted was Jodie to be home so she could come get my blanket for me, or for someone I could call to come over and rub my back and pretty much baby me for the night. I like to think of myself as fairly self-reliant, but when I get sick I instantly turn into a whiney three year old.

I don't know. It was just a really sad, lonely feeling. I'm better now, but at the same time, I get that feeling sometimes that it really is just me, that I'm really the only one who's always gonna be there when I need someone. And then I tell myself no, you're overreacting, it's just that people are out of town, if Jodie was here she would have been nice to you, you could have probably called x and y... blah blah blah... but probably just Jodie.

I think I'm just kinda pissed at myself for trying to invest so much time into people who eventually (or, in certain cases, not so eventually) decide that I'm not worth it, and then don't even bother to make an effort to hold up the facade of being a friend. And then I wonder if it's karma, if this is to make up for all the people I may have done that too.

aaaaaaaahhhh people. why do you have to be so complicated? aaaaaaahhhh self. why do you have to be so whiney, and why do you always fall for the obvious tricks?