tarot carrot

Last night I had Christian read me my tarot cards. Now, while I'm pretty sure that I think there might be some sort of mysterious forces out there in the universe, I'm definitely not the type of person who believes psychics or horoscopes or any of those sorts of things. However, I was a little startled to see some very applicable cards come up. I don't know if it's the workings of some sort of mystical... uh... whatever, or if it was Christian and I giving them significance in light of things we've been talking about recently (I'm more likely to lean toward the interpretation). Anyway, personal beliefs (or confusion, really) aside, it definitely got waaay more personal than I was expecting it to be, and it certainly gave me some things to think about.

I've pretty much been poking around Boone not, as I think I've thought before, because I don't know what to do, but rather because I don't know what I'm SUPPOSED to do and I'm so terrified of failure or 'doing the wrong thing' that I prevent myself from any real action, therefore effectively (so I imagined) protecting myself from any RISK but also from new, potentially life-enhancing experiences. However, I'm not actually 'protecting' myself from anything -- regardless of any decisions I think I am making or not making, the world will continue to spiral on ceaselessly, people will continue to change, and I will still be faced with difficulties, whether I like it or not. So, perhaps I should make peace with the idea that I only have a certain amount of control over my life, but that I do have SOME control over it and if I don't UTILIZE myself to my fullest potential, I'm never going to be happy with myself.

In essence, I know I have some hard decisions to make. No, not quite. I think I have already made certain decisions, but I dreading some of the consequences of these decisions. Regarding one person in particular. I know it's silly to wish I was a little older, or he was a little younger, because we are who we are and even if those things were different there'd still be no guarantee that things would work out in the long run. There's no guarantee that if we both stay here in Boone forever we would be happy. I don't think I would be, as much as I think I would WANT to be. And I know I'm young, and we haven't been together very long, blah blah blah blah blah all that other downer shit, but I can't imagine anyone I'd rather spend the rest of my life just hanging out with than him. However, I can't let my entire being, my own aspirations and needs and desires be overridden by emotions I have for another person. People are so unpredictable that it's madness to allow your own happiness to be in the complete control of another. Besides, there's more to life than love, you know (even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes).

So, to make this tangible, I am taking great strides towards going to South Korea within the next year. Meg is being EXTREMELY helpful with this. She's in Pyeongtaeg (a little south of Seoul, near the west coast) and is definitely on board with trying to help me find placement somewhere near (I think she's a little homesick and would be excited to see a familiar face). Plus Heather has volunteered to hang out with me and let me utilize her as a research resource (since she's, you know, done this sort of thing before). So this is exciting but also very scary because it might actually be happening.

Hmm.